What Summer Means to Me

To me, summer is dirty feet.  

I absolutely cannot keep my feet clean in the summer.  I am one of those people who loves to walk barefoot. I always have.  And, thus, I have always had dirty, filthy feet all summer.

When I was a kid, I would be all over the neighborhood sans shoes.  My mother made me wash them before dinner - though I don't know why, we didn't eat with our feet in my house - and inevitably I would get in trouble again for leaving nearly black washcloths in the bathroom.  Still not sure what she was on about there, I was doing what she asked.

Today I tend to get the ring-around-the-heel, and no amount of washcloth application will get it out because that dirt is delicately ground into my skin now.  I need to soak and scrub my feet clean a couple times a week.  I only go barefoot around the house, not outside anymore (rocks, chicken poo, pine needles, etc.), but that is plenty good enough to get my feet dirty.

I have a particular pair of pink flip flops I wear when I walk the dog.  They have soft, spongy, foamy soles that keep wet once they've gotten wet, and often that helps keep my feet fairly clean.  It's usually not enough, though, and I still have to go at them with the pedicure cheese grater thingie.

I was looking at my feet at work the other day, cleverly disguised in nice sandals, and I saw that light ring - I can get away with one more day without scrubbing, but not two - and that's when I realized that this is what defines summer to me.  Not home grown tomatoes, not swimming pools, not fireworks. 

Just dirty feet.

Aging

I turn 39 this year.  This post isn’t about feeling old, getting old, etc.  I don’t think 39 is old, though I know a lot of people who do.  They can go stuff it.  

I am starting to physically feel achy in places, I’m not as flexible as I once was (working on this), and I notice my memory is going a bit but I chalk that up to job stress.  My metabolism has obviously slowed down.  I didn’t think I’d have a 23yo body all my life.  I think people who don’t want to age or don’t think they will age are idiots, sorry, but what did you think was going to happen??  

This post is more about responsibility as I age, because this is what I’m having the most trouble with.  My parents are 75 and 71 now.  I’m a (mostly) only child, and I do live near them, about 20 minutes away.  Their house is IMHO too big for them and the upkeep has become more of an issue over the past 5 years or so and property taxes keep going up.  Dad would love to move, and I support that, but Mom doesn’t want to move, so they are not moving.

For years, I’ve wanted to move to another part of the country.  There are many reasons for this:

• People in this part of the country are selfish, mean, abrasive, and hard to get along with, 
• I just get bored easily and moving seems like a way to keep things interesting, 
•  Other parts of the country are beautiful and I’d like to experience them for more than a few days at a time, 
• Well, why not move? 

But that hasn’t happened, for several reasons.  Right now the main reason is I don’t want to leave my aging parents alone as they age and I’ll be frank here:  this is a bit smothering for me.  Most everyone might not understand that, but I wasn’t raised with a strong sense of family.  The sense of familial obligation is alien to me, yet I feel this strong push that I should stay here because that is what everyone expects of me.

I hate this feeling.  I feel like I'm being selfish, yet I feel I only have one shot at this life and, dammit, I should be able to live it as I want to, or as close as possible.  But here I am, here I seem to remain. 

(I think I’m going to start adding theme songs to my posts for kicks and giggles.  This post’s theme song is Jack Johnson’s Home). 

Getting it Together

I have always been quiet, a bit shy, and reserved. I have never thought of myself as a confident person, and have always envied those that were in school and in the workplace. I always secretly hated myself for not speaking up in circumstances where I didn’t agree with what was being said or done.

Then one day at my former work a coworker absolutely floored me by telling me she envied me for my confidence and strength. She actually said that she thought I “had it together.” Me! Having it together? I was shocked. I still am. Isn’t it amazing what other people see in us that we never see in ourselves?

I think I’m in the middle of a mid-life crisis of sorts, even though I certainly HOPE this isn’t my mid-life. I mean, in a way I guess it is. I’ll be 37 at the end of the month, and 37x2=74. That’s not a bad age to go, you know, in terms of quality of life. It isn’t OLD, in my opinion. But my dad’s dad and mom’s mom didn’t make it that far. But age is just a number, you’re only as old as you feel (and other clichés) and I don’t feel old at all. Really! It probably sounds like I’m trying to convince myself, not you, but I really don’t feel old! I do know people my age who feel their life is OVER at this point, and will be wrinkly with their hair falling out by year’s end. That’s not me.

My hair IS starting to turn white, though. And I LOVE IT!!!!!! It is gorgeous, I’m so happy about it.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. The past year or so has been trying, a lot of things have happened that I don’t fully understand/haven’t worked out yet. I’ve met a lot of new people that I haven’t quite all sorted out yet. I’ve been in this new job for about a year and a half, and it’s been (shock, shock) good and bad. More on that in a later post, though. In short, a lot of things have changed, are in the process of changing, or will be changing shortly.

Change can lead to uncertainty, uncertainty to fear, fear to……inaction? Lack of confidence? Call it what you will, same thing. So, when I read this post by the same woman who wrote the other one I discussed, it hit home, too. Go read it, I’ll wait.

(Insert generic waiting room music)

Back? Good. The part about confidence being an action and not a feeling is something I’ve always known, but never completely relied on or acted on. It was a good reminder to read this post, as I will have a LOT of opportunity this coming year to fall back on the ACTION of confidence.

At work, which I will discuss soon. I’m feeling a bit powerless right now at work. I know everything will be ok, but it is still difficult and stressful.

In art, which I may or may not discuss later as there really isn’t much to talk about. I’m still making jewelry, but it’s slow. 2010 was the first year I actually made a profit. Not sure about 2011 yet, but it was a good year. Slow, but I’m enjoying it.

In the house/garage and garden, which is also slow going.

In my relationships, which I may or may not discuss later. We’ll see. Things have been weird, and I’m not talking about Hooband (but we are in counseling. I’m trying not to feel ashamed at that, but there is stigma. We both like the counselor. I’m not sure how much it is helping, but at this point..). Some strange, interesting, and fun people have popped into my life this year.

I am NOT going to go taking fighting classes like the author of the blog post did. Ha! I am going to start taking some sort of classes, though. I found a yoga class that fits my schedule. I want to learn to spin yarn. I’m going to start WW again to lose weight, because working on it on my own again isn’t working.

I need to commit to cleaning a lot of accumulated junk out of the house, which will begin this weekend. I just looked around the house the other day and all I saw was….clutter. Nice clutter, to be sure! OUR clutter, accumulated separately and together. But still, clutter nonetheless. Need to figure out what to keep, what to pack up, and where to draw the line.

So, talk to me of confidence! Tell me what you think!

Meet the Flockers!! Part 1

I thought it might be fun to introduce the chickens one at a time. We currently have an even dozen: 8 girls and 4 boys. We have gotten chickens in three batches:

1. The first 8, which consisted of 6 "Easter Eggers" and two Marans
2. A batch of 5 Jersey Giants we found on Craigslist, and
3. 2 more we came home with from Virginia, a buff Cochin and a buff Orp
   

This is Larry, the EE rooster we named after my dad. He's a decent rooster, not too aggressive but he will bite and while you can pick him up, he doesn't like it. My father is enamored with him and asks about him constantly. He even has several pictures saved on his computer and he uses them as desktops.


Honey, above, is a wheaten Marans whose comb is so long if flops over. She was the Hen Of Choice (HOC) at first, and was extremely timid. Recently she's gotten a bit more assertive. With the comb-over (hahaha!), she also looks pretty stupid for some reason and we made fun of her horribly, as in "Mama asked 'Brains or comb?' and I said "COMB!!'"

Peaches, who is a small EE hen with peach colored feathers only on her "chin" or muff. She's a quiet thing and doesn't seem to have much personality.

This is Daisy, the buff Orpington. We got Daisy in Virginia at about 6 weeks old, along with Tubby (below) and attempted to bring them home in the same Rubbermaid tub. Tubby beat up on Daisy, and we were concerned about permanent damage, hence the picture above. 5 hours on my lap, the FedEx driver almost drove off the road when he looked down and saw a woman with a chicken on her lap! So, the obvious name to me was (Driving) Miss Daisy.

Flash forward 6 months only to find out Daisy is a dude. So, Duke? It won't matter soon enough....

Tubby, aka The Fat Chick is about 2ish, full grown, and by far my favorite (don't tell the rest). She is just SO impressive in size and, uh, proportion. When she hops down off the roost you can feel and hear the THUD. If you hold her long enough she will fall asleep in your arms. I LOVE to watch her run, she looks so silly!

I had read that Cochins were fairly docile, but she uses her size almost as a battering ram, charging a group of the others if they look like she has food and scattering them, then digging in herself.....over and over. She also has a deep voice and she seems to bitch constantly, it is really easy to stereotype her into "fat human"

…….Or Not.

OK, so that didn’t work. Sorry about that.

This past year has been…..enlightening….challenging….a bit scary at times. It’s been fun, funny, sad, full of love and joy, new people, ideas, and things. Chickens. New neighbors. Food. Gifts given and received. Flowery language. Too much CNN, dammit. Hope and frustrations and everything in between.

I’m going to try this again, but I can’t promise anything. I have some pictures to post, stories to tell, grief and pain to get out of my system, and growth to explore.

I’m going to attempt to post a few times a week, sometimes long stuff or pictures….sometimes just a quote that caught my attention and why it struck me. Sometimes it might be just stream of consciousness stuff. Sometimes it might be personal issues. Sometimes it might be work related, as that is a major upheaval right now.

I’m also planning on pointing towards a few blogs that have resonated with me lately.

I’m not going to be updating the garden blog, but I’m not going to take it down. Just an FYI. I’ll post a note there explaining all that, though. I may want to pick it up again in the future, and I know I will refer to it at times.

I’m hoping to also promote some discussion and thinking and questioning, too! It should be fun...

Six Month Hiatus - DONE!!!

Lots going on will write more later....but as a teaser:

• Chickens coming.
• Made a profit for the first year last year with my business, and it looks as though this year I will also.
• New job is going.....well. More stress, but going well.
• Lost some friends, found some new ones.
• Another Virginia trip upcoming.
• A Bermuda trip upcoming.
• Other things, good and bad, afoot.

In other words, life. Hope to hear from you, hope some of you noticed that I'm BAAAAACCKKK!

Sister, Sister

Many, many moons ago, I wrote about my half sister. The post is here, I'll wait while you go and refresh your memory.

Back? OK. Good. Well, guess what? She contacted me on Friday.

It's all good, don't worry. This past week has been a soap opera. Not only did dad go in the hospital last week and get a pacemaker (went fine, he wanted one, everything's great), but I had to break the news to him on Sunday about B getting in touch with me, and I had no idea how it was going to go.

It turns out (contrary to the previous post) that he did NOT know where she was and has NOT been in contact with her. She is not in the state I thought she was in, but it is the same woman I found on Facebook months ago. And....this is the weird part....she lives in a town that is the SAME NAME AS THE TOWN I LIVE IN but in a different state. So, say I live in Middletown, PA...she lives in Middletown, CA. Weird, huh? What are the odds?

THEN I found out she likes to garden. Vegetable garden. Seriously, all we need is a jewelry business on the side and we're set.

Dad is THRILLED to find out he is a grandfather. Really. He has a 10yo granddaughter and a 20yo grandson. I think the grandson may have been named after him, too. He said "I got a pacemaker and two grandkids in one week!!"

So, now we're friends on Facebook, dad is tickled pink, mom is a bit freaked out.

Gettysburg, July 1 – My Family

Matt and I recently started watching the movie Gettysburg again. Coincidentally, it happens to be right about the same time that almost 150 years ago, the troops would have been converging on the town. I haven’t watched the movie in a long time. We made it through almost 2 hours of it last night, and it made me incredibly sentimental. So, I thought I’d do a series of three or four posts about what it is like growing up in an Extremely Historical Town. I’m not going to talk much about the battle itself, so many hundreds of thousands of people have already talked ad nauseum about the battle, tactics, etc. You don’t need to hear it from me.

Today, I’ll talk about my family history in the town. Tomorrow, I’ll talk about growing up here. Saturday, I’ll talk about the filming of the movie. Sunday I probably won’t talk about anything, as I’ll be on my way to Lancaster for a family get-together.

So, my family history in Gettysburg. My mother is the Keeper of the Genealogy for the family but, to be honest, I don’t know a lot of it as perfectly as I could. I know stories, and I know names, but I can’t place them on a tree very well without a lot of thought and considering. And besides, you don’t need to know the specifics so I won’t bother.

Suffice it to say my mother’s family was living in Gettysburg at the time of the battle and had been since the 1700s. They were German, and we have a lot of Millers, Kitzmillers, Garlachs, Mumpers, etc, in the family. Which is great fun when you’re talking about Great Grandmother Kitzmiller Miller.

I had two GGGGrandfathers that were in the civil war. One of them was in (I believe) the Battle of Chancellorsville which was in May of that year. He was shot in the gut. He lay on the field for a couple days, holding himself together (I'll let you imagine that, I won't go into details). The wagons came by to collect the dead for burial and he moved. They took him to a hospital where he actually lived and recupirated until the middle of June when they decided to send him home. You know, to the nice, quiet, pastoral Northern town of Gettysburg. Nothing going on up there, after all! Geesh. Right before the battle.

Gettysburg was a small town even then, but if you look at a map it is a hub of crossroads. They liken it to a wagon wheel. Most of my family lived in town, but some lived south of town. Most people don’t realize that the Confederate troops came into town from the West and North, while the Union troops came from the South of town. When the Union filed past my family’s houses outside of town, my ancestors skipped out very fast. I can’t blame them. When one family came home, they found a soldier dead at their kitchen table, shot through the back. He’d been in the process of writing a letter to home. We don’t know any more if the soldier was a Yankee or a Rebel, and we don’t have the letter….but we still have the table with the bullet intact.

Like I said, most of my family lived in town, and the Garlachs lived on Baltimore Street. A lot of people don’t really realize that the battle took over the town and the surrounding farm fields. It is a local joke that tourists will ask (and it does happen!) “Where is the battlefield?” as if they are expecting you to point them to a football field-sized fenced in area. But generally the reply is “You’re standing on it.” Because you always are.

Also, the 1-2 day of the battle was rough for the Union and they were forced to retreat from the West side of town THROUGH TOWN to the south side, where they regrouped. So, the entire Union army fled past the Garlach house, and that area of town was a hotbed for sharp shooters and snipers throughout the rest of the battle.

Anna Garlach was my Great Great Grandmother, and was about 18 at the time of the battle. Her father was a cabinet maker and was born in Hesse Darmstadt, Germany. This website has a wonderful description of what happened at the Garlach house during the battle, and we have these same stories as well as a hand-written account that have been passed down through the generations, too. There is also a picture of my GGGGrandparents, Catharine and Henry.

The best story, I think, was when Anna went out to slop the pigs and found Union Brigadier-General Alexander Schimmelfennig hiding in the pig shed. He had been cut off from the rest of the Union Army during the retreat and if he’d been caught he’d been killed. So, he hid. I would have, too. Anna fed and watered him and kept it quiet, and he eventually snuck back to the Union lines a couple days later.

After the battle, the heat was said to be incredible and I can’t imagine what town must have smelled like. Everyone in town helped find and care for the wounded and collect and bury the bodies. I don’t think any of us can imagine this. I hope we never know it first-hand. No stories were passed down about this part of the battle.

Only one civilian was killed in town, her name was Jennie Wade. She was at her sister’s house caring for her and the newborn baby when she was struck by a stray minie ball. After the battle, her sister sold the house and part of my family bought it. They lived in one half of it for the next 50 or so years, and my grandmother and her twin brother were born there in 1899. Sometime thereafter, it was turned into a museum and my family ran that for another 50 years.

Gorgeous Weekend

It was a lovely, glorious weekend complete with junk, banks, trash-to-treasure, planting, wine and new people, and no homemade mint chocolate chip ice cream. Maybe next weekend we'll have time.

Saturday morning, we got up early and took a load of metal scrap to our local bulk recycling center. I always enjoy going there, it is a working farm but the barn closest to the house is only for weighing and storing bulk aluminum, copper, brass, etc. I would love to go scavenger hunting through there! But, no. We left with over $200, which is fantastic. Prices are up right now. Lovely.

From there, we went to our new bank and opened up another checking account. We had the most wonderful conversation with the lady who handles that, we must have sat there talking for over 2 hours! She told us about her time in the Air Force, she was in Germany when Libya was getting boisterous and we retaliated. BOY did we retaliate!

From there, we went to close our accounts at our old bank. They were feeing us to death. Goodbye!

Then, lunch. We headed home from there with full intentions of going over to help Matt’s mom, who is cleaning out his recently deceased uncle’s rental house. I believe the rent is paid up for another month or so, but I know they want to clean it out and be done with it. Well, we decided to wait and go over on Sunday instead.

Mid-afternoon, I went to a local greenhouse to get some replacement plants for things that didn’t make it. It turns out they were having quite a sale! Peppers and tomatoes were all $.50, and a lot of flowers were on sale, too. I came home with three peppers, a dill, four tomatillos, and a Forget-Me-Not for Matt. I also eyed up the yuccas. They were blooming, and I noticed one pot had two plants in it. That’s a little trick I do, look for pots that have more than one plant.
I came home and found that Matt had delivered my squash mound dirt for me.

Around 5, we left for another Meetup event, this time with the Chambersburg Meetup Group. Hauser Estate Winery has an event every week this summer complete with a band and catered dinner. Admission is free, you have to pay for your food and drink, though. It turned out that only one other meetup person was coming. Ah, well.

I’ve been told that Hauser is very ‘young’ for a winery. They are new, yes, but they specialize in hard ciders and apple or peach wines. They are built in the middle of Apple Country here in PA, what else could they do? They put their building on a hill, it is a FANTASTIC view! Really incredible. They have outdoor tables with umbrellas and they sell sandwiches and things in a cooler. So, you could go up, get a bottle of your favorite wine or cider, a sandwich, and sit out on the patio or deck and take it all in.

Can you tell I’m really tickled with this place? I’m already trying to decide when Matt and I can get up there next for a nice, leisurely lunch.

Anyway, Matt and I had a mini-wine tasting. He really liked the Merlot, and I wound up really liking the Apple Wine, which is fantastic ice-cold. Their ciders were good, too, fairly light and beer-y. The band was a bit loud, but our meetup guy was nice, talkative, and above all – normal. I always worry about meeting people for the first time, especially if no one else you know is there, that they’re all going to be wackos. We wound up staying until almost 9.

Sunday, Matt went over to his uncle’s house with his parents to help work. I was planning on going, too, but I realized how much I had to do at home. So, I set off the dishwasher, raked out the squash mounds to get the weeds, rocks, and sticks out, then planted the squash. I also planted the 4 tomatillos I’d gotten, and I wound up going back over and getting a yucca, a Box Car Willie tomato to fill in a spot where one of my tomatoes died, and a watermelon. Not a vine, the melon itself. You know, to eat.

Matt called about mid-morning to tell me that the refrigerator, stove, and dishwasher at his uncles were ours if we wanted them for a combined price of about what we got for our scrap metal the previous day. I did the measurements and yeah, it seemed it would work out. So, looks like we’ll be storing some appliances in the garage for a bit. It’s a good deal, they’re fairly new. The stove is a glass (ceramic?) top and will go in the kitchen, while the current electric stove was destined for the garage, anyway, as that is where we’re planning on doing the canning. We also wound up with about a dozen and a half quart canning jars, with a pint and a half-gallon jar thrown in, and a mix of other things. Anything that doesn’t go to family will be going to a yard sale sometime this summer.

General clean-up commenced along with pea picking. We burned our paper trash, Max scared the bejezus out of a baby bird, and we watched the fireflies while having a drinky on the back porch.

Objects in Motion

I got some more pictures of Foxy, Matt's parent's dog. She's weighing in at 5lb now, and it's all hair. Enjoy!

Long Weekend

I had a 3-day weekend, but not because of the holiday. Yup, I have to work Memorial Day. Stinks, but I do get to take the holiday whenever I want. We call it a ‘floating’ holiday. They do come in handy sometimes.

I swear, I will update the garden blog later today, but I have to find time to edit the pictures. I keep thinking that by the time I get around to that the veggies in the pictures will be grown, harvested, and eaten! I hope to get to it tonight. But, we RAN this weekend. No extra time to do much of anything that didn’t absolutely NEED doing.

Friday, I had off. We had one of those wonderful early morning phonecalls that you know is bad news and, yup, Matt’s uncle died Thursday night of a massive heart attack. This is the same uncle that fell down the stairs a year and a half ago, and since he’d recovered from that he’d taken to treating himself like crap, ignoring the diabetes, gaining all the weight back, and drinking hard liquor practically by the case. So it wasn’t exactly unexpected, but still. He also leaves a mess with 5 ex wives, children by those wives, and no will. One of the sons has already pretty much cleaned the house out. Stay tuned.

I liked him. He was a bit raw, don’t get me wrong, but he was what you saw and was unapologetic about it. You have to admire that. He was well-traveled and appreciated the finer things in life, good food and wine, etc, and went out the way he wanted to: after a great meal and good drink.

I filled the car up with gas, drove by the dentist and paid the $1 that my insurance wouldn’t pay from my last checkup and cleaning. The office manager at the dentist and I had a good laugh over that: $1.

I took my dad to breakfast, where he talked motors, lawn mowers, and carburetors. Oh, and my new cousin. It seems that my uncle who died in 1981 had a daughter that has been trying to find his family for years, and finally she did. She’s 29, lives in the New Orleans area, and dad has been corresponding with her, sending her pictures of her dad, etc. She also sent pictures of herself and her family. It is very interesting to look at her pictures. It’s like looking at me, but it isn’t me. There is a TV show Matt and I like called Dead Like Me where these ‘ghosts’ go around helping people through passing into the next (whatever it is we go to when we die). The main character keeps going back to see her family, but when she’s within sight of her family they use a different actress to play the character (to represent that the family doesn’t recognize her as their dead daughter). She looks similar to the main actress, but not quite. That’s how it is to look at my ‘new’ cousin: very similar, but not quite. It is really strange.

Anyway, we did that. I hung out with mom and dad for a bit and talked, then went to get my hair cut. MUCH needed haircut, it’s been about 3 months. Turned out nice, too. The salon is in the outlet shops here in town, so I also went to Dress Barn to see if I could find a nice top to go with my black pants or skirt for the funeral/memorial. I did, but I didn’t want to pay $35 for it. I’ll manage with something else.

We went to our favorite Asian/sushi restaurant for dinner to check out how it is after its new management took over. Very nice! We were really pleased. Then, grocery shopping.

Saturday, we met Barbara from Virginia for breakfast, she was up to go to her son’s wedding (which was going to be big, fat, and Greek). It was a really nice visit. Then, we went to a winery to meet some total strangers to drink wine with.

Let me explain. Matt and I decided we needed more socialization. We were becoming like Max. He doesn’t know he’s a dog, he thinks he’s a person, and he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t quite act like we do. He hasn’t been socialized with other dogs to know how to act with dogs, either, so he’s sort of in his own in-between world. Well, Matt and I need to be a bit more socialized with people, because we don’t know we’re people and we don’t understand why we don’t quite act like other people. We don’t think we’re dogs, though, don’t worry! So, we joined up with a local fun-times group through Meetup.com. They go on hikes, they go on bike rides, they go to wineries, they go to brewfests, they have get-togethers at people’s houses, sporting events, etc. You go to what you want to and don’t go to the rest.

This was our first Meetup. We had a great time! It is a new winery called Serpent Ridge, south of Westminster, MD. They only have 5 wines right now, all dry. I don’t particularly like dry wines, but these were really good! We got one bottle and will probably keep an eye on them as they grow. Very nice. And the group was nice, too! I think there were maybe 14 people there (the group itself has over 300 people), most of them we liked. A few were much more interested in subtly explaining to us how much money they had. The rest were wonderful. Our next Meetup will be kayaking and picnicking sometime in July and we’re really looking forward to that. New Meetups are posted all the time, so we might go to some of those, too.

After that, we went home and cooked up the crab legs we’d gotten. I think that it has been almost a year since we’d had a crab leg feast. It was lovely. Later, margaritas enjoyed while we burned up some hemlock branches and watched the stars come out.

Sunday was a work day. Garden and garage. Both will be explained more fully in the other blog. Also, I made Rustic Rhubarb Tarts and they were wonderful. I really couldn’t taste the vanilla in the compote, but they were still good. Also, the pressure tank for the well died, so we had to run and get another one, which Matt will install sometime today.

Matthew's Commentary

"You know, I never realized that from this angle my hairline looks like I have horns. Or, if someone were feeling really artistic, they could make my face look like Hello Kitty with the ears and all."

(Me, I was giggling about the dog. Notice the teeth).

General Things

I never know what to name these 'update' posts. 'Update' just seem so boring. 'Exciting Happenings' just isn't true, usually.

So, we leave for Virginia this afternoon. I'll be non communicato until at least Sunday.

In regards to dad and mom and the hospital and the conversation over lunch, nothing new. Dad has an appointment with the EarNoseThroat(knees and toes, knees and toes) doctor today, here's hoping all's well. Also, I found a Yahoo Group for only children of aging parents. I joined. At least I can go there and vent even if I can't do anything about the situation.

Max is having more trouble with his vision. He's taken to walking around the bed at night after we turn off the light, even if he had been laying down and asleep when the light gets turned off. It is very strange. We're not sure why he's doing it. I think that his vision is bad enough that he is totally blind when he goes from light to dark that suddenly, and I think his eyes (well, eye) adjusts more slowly. But, if you can't see anything why wander around? He hasn't fallen, and I don't think he will, but we really can't figure it out. Also, his arthritis is starting to be more apparent. I'm making a vet appointment for him next week.

I have been soooo incredibly stressed lately, and I can't seem to find a way to dissapate it. It just keeps building, layer upon layer. Something explodes at work....then dad goes in the hospital....then someone else has a work explosion....then possible layoffs at Matt's job....then something else, something else, something else. Even good things, like jewelry commisions and gardening just add to the pressure. And it's a full moon so I'm not sleeping as well. I feel like someone shoved grapefruits in my shoulder muscles, everything is so tense.

Not-So-Funny Ah-Ha

I had been planning on writing today about some more ‘ah-ha’ moments I’ve had lately, and I probably will sometime in the near future. However, some new things came up recently with my dad’s health and I wanted to give an update.

First, the monitor that he wore for a month….showed nothing. He got the results back about that about a month ago. The diet he’s been working on….he quit. He says he doesn’t need it because he’d been losing weight before he had the heart trouble, anyway (he hadn’t).

Nothing new since then, though.

*sigh*

Had lunch with mom today. She took dad to the ER last night. They did not admit him, they got home around 3am. The story goes like this, according to mom (my thoughts in italics).

Dad thought he was having an anxiety attack. His fingers and legs/feet were tingly. That’s it. He called mom (who had gone to bed) down to sit with him. He had another ‘attack’ while she was there and he asked her to take him to the hospital.

But, I asked mom what his other symptoms were, and she said she didn’t notice *anything* different or strange. He had no visible symptoms before they left. She said he was cold on the 2 minute trip to the hospital (they live 4 blocks away). She said the doctors at the hospital said it didn’t sound like an anxiety attack. At one point she did say the doc thought he may have been hyperventilating. (based on what mom told me he’d had to eat, I think he was having a high blood sugar episode, not an anxiety attack. Since he usually has very LOW blood sugar episodes, it may be that he didn’t recognize the symptoms. Given that he’s been diagnosed with diabetes, it SHOCKS ME they didn’t do a blood test! Also, diabetic neuropathy comes to mind).

The ER was much more concerned with his ear. He’d been having a bit of an ear ache for a few days and, because he’s had some fairly serious ear infections in the past (the kind that killed kids before antibiotics, Mastoiditis), the ER docs were dealing with that. They wound up giving him antibiotics and sending him home on the promise that he would be calling the EarNoseNThroat specialist today.

Supposedly, he was doing that while mom and I were having lunch (Why didn’t he do this first thing in the morning???) Mom thinks that the specialist will get him right in because it is an ‘emergency.’ I told her I thought that if it was an emergency they wouldn’t have let him out of the hospital. Just my opinion. I also asked if they had called the cardiologist. No, of course not. (What? He has tingling in his hands and legs, a known heart problem, and no one thought to call the cardiologist?)

*is shaking her head*

So, past that we got into a very uncomfortable talk about Planning. You know. That talk. That kind of planning. For those things. Things like nursing homes and wills. Medical expenses and other uncomfortable things. Uncomfortable because they have made absolutely no plans, and have limited money set aside, and don’t have wills.

My father thinks he knows it all and is convinced that he’s got everything planned so everything will be fine. (Keep in mind that when mom had her heart attack 8 years ago, he freaked out because ‘he hadn’t planned on this.’ So, he hasn’t learned a thing). They have no wills because he doesn’t think they need them. He has no life insurance (my mother does), because he doesn’t see the need for it. He has money stashed aside and he thinks it will be enough. And my mother just goes along because she doesn’t want to rock the boat (as she said today)….and because she is scared to death of him when he’s mad (as she also said today).

So she nods and makes soothing sounds to me when I talk about this, but just goes and does whatever he tells her to do anyway, because he scares her and it’s easier to keep him happy than to deal with him when he’s mad. He is not physical, no. Never. But he is verbally and emotionally vicious when he’s angry and she just cowers.

(Right about now I need a valium, you know what I mean? Not seriously, no. I’ve never had a valium, but I think it might help temporarily right about now. Or several stiff drinks. Or maybe a valium AND several stiff drinks).

Mom cooed at me that they have enough money for living expenses (and I said no, you don’t. You have enough money for living expenses if nothing bad happens, maybe. If one of you comes down with cancer and decides to fight it, you can kiss that money and the house goodbye. And the money will be gone in months if you have to go into a nursing home).


She said they have the house to fall back on (and I said no, you don’t in this market. You would have if you’d sold at the height of the market, yes, but right now it would take months to sell the house for what it is worth and if you need the money NOW you won’t have it. Besides it won’t go far in a cancer/nursing home situation).

She said that she doesn’t feel old (and I said that isn’t the issue, the issue is making plans while you can. People die whether they’re old or not).

She said that he’s counting on getting a reverse mortgage (and I said that reverse mortgages are something that you get when you haven’t planned and have no other choice. It’s not something to hope for, it’s something to avoid. It’s something that is your last choice). (And in their case it may have to be an option because he screwed them sooo badly with his poor planning, dammit).

She said that our lawyer cousin told her regarding a will that as long as everything is in both names, she has right of survivorship when dad dies (and I told her that she’s assuming a lot. She’s counting on surviving my dad, after which point *she* would get a will and *I* would be covered. If she dies first and leaves dad, then survivorship means nothing).

And I feel like the bad guy. I went to have a nice lunch with my mom and now feel like I bullied her. I mean, we’ve talked about a lot of this before, yes. I didn’t mean to go into it again, and I wound up talking about these things a LOT more than I’d intended to, but when the situation presents itself I think it is good to take advantage of it. So I said a lot of things that had been mulling around for a while. And I feel like I bullied her and put her in a bad position. But…she was already in a bad position (relationship) partially of her own making.

Why do we keep going over this? It’s like a broken record, broken record, broken record. When she was talking about dad and how she ‘can’t’ do anything about what he decides, I told her that she created the situation by letting him bully her early on. She agreed, and said that she wished she’d put her foot down earlier. I told her that he probably wouldn’t have married her if she had. (Those words sound rougher in writing than it actually was at that point in our conversation, btw).

I told mom today, and this is truly how I feel, that I’ve pretty much given up on the whole will-thing. They are not going to get them, I have pretty much accepted this, and I’ve started preparing myself for the battle with the state that will, eventually, ensue. I told her I will try like hell to save the family heirlooms and furniture, etc, but everything else I’ve mentally written off. I’m not waiting for them to die so I can put my inheritance on our mortgage. I don’t think that way (I know some people who do, though). I have known people whose parents died without wills; I don’t want to go through what they went through. And I want family stuff to stay in the family. At least they don’t have gobs of debt that I’d have to worry about. (Yet?)

And I’m an only child and I have no one to be on my team in this situation. Not blood; Matt is there, of course. But it isn’t the same. I can’t help but think that if I had a sibling or two we could, with power of numbers, persuade my parents (father) that he needed to do something differently. I’ve been so estranged from any blood family by distance and intention that I 1) wouldn’t know who to ask for help and 2) wouldn’t know how to ask for help, oh, and 3) it wouldn’t matter if I did because they (dad) would discount the offers and suggestions because he hadn’t thought of them first.

Mostly I’ve liked being an only child, but in this situation it really sucks. Really.

And I’ll be very honest here: I’m so angry at both of them right now I can’t even communicate it. I’m angry at him for being so arrogant that he could in his mind control everything while in actuality run them into the proverbial ground, and so angry at her for just playing dead and letting him. He has left them with very few options if things get bad. Let's hope everything turns out like the fairytale they're hoping for.

Ambassador of Dogs *UPDATE*

*UPDATE* So, the first thing my mom did when we dropped Max off is....almost drop him down the stairs. Not a good sign. Really, he tried to jump out of her arms, tumbled a bit on the floor, then ran down the stairs, but still. He did pull something in his hip.

Otherwise, the day was pretty uneventful. We dropped him off around 10am and picked him up around 7pm. They said he slept most of the day, took over my mom's chair, went outside and did his thing. Etc. Not much going on there. We're still deciding about trying an overnight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I mentioned before, Max is going to be doing some trial stays with my parents to see how they get along before Matt and I decide for sure to leave him with them when we go out of town. The first trial will be a morning-to-night tomorrow.



Pray for us. :)



In preparation for the visit, I've made a list of things Max will need (food/water bowl, food, leash, blankie, baby gates, etc). I've also printed up a colorful sheet with table foods that Max can and (more importantly) cannot have.



One thing I'm most interested in is Max's roll as Doggie Ambassador, to which he was appointed as a puppy. Max has a really great ability to convert non-dog people and some very anti-dog people to pro-dog people or at the very least, to dog-friendly people. My parents are included in this. Max has had several sucessful Goodwill Tours at my parents house.



It is a big deal. My mother has gone from totally anti-small dog to very small dog-friendly. She has even talked about getting a Scottie....after my dad dies.



He's the real hold-out here. He's convinced they CANNOT have animals in the house because of the flea problem, despite me explaing about Frontline and how it actually works. He's not giving in. He adores Max, though, and I'm hoping that Max may be able to break through that last barrier.



If so, we may soon have to fine yet another keeper for Max when we go away.

Genealogy (or What the Hell is Lettish??)

Matt’s family came from Russia. Or the Ukraine. Or maybe Poland. Possibly Kiev. They were Jewish. But maybe they weren’t. And they aren’t now. And no one knows when except for “the late 1800s,” except for what his grandfather said, and his grandfather lied like you and I breath (pretty regularly).

Recently, we watched a movie called “Everything is Illuminated.” If you only watch 5 movies this year, make this movie one of them. It is a story about a young American Jew who goes to Ukraine to find the woman who saved his grandfather from the Nazis. He is guided by a Ukranian man about his age (“who’s English isn’t so primo”), that man’s grandfather, and the grandfather’s ‘officious seeing-eye bitch’ Sammy Davis Jr., Jr. It is not a holocaust movie. It is a drama, but it is also very funny in places as well as sad and poignant. It is very good, and of course the story in the end turns out to not be what the main character (played by Frodo Baggins) expected to find, but….everything becomes illuminated.

So, of course this got Matt talking about his family. I asked him if he wanted me to look into it, and he said sure.

I’m very lucky, my parents have traced a lot of my own family back into the 1500s and on my mom’s side even as far back as the 1300s. In Germany, no less!

I’ve truly never had much interest in genealogy per se and while I know it is all very interesting, a good hunt is really what I enjoy. I’m a researcher. It is what I do. I’m very good at it. I joined up temporarily with Ancestry.com and 3 hours, 4 censuses, 5 passenger lists later and I had some answers for Matt about his origins.

But I had a lot more questions. Not the least of which is why the native language on two of the censuses was listed as ‘Lettish.’ Remember, this was all hand-written and at first I thought it said ‘Yittish’ as in a incorrectly spelled Yiddish, with two Ts instead of Ds. But, no, it was definitely ‘Lettish.’ So I go looking for Lettish.

It is the language spoken by the Letts. Stupid! Of COURSE it is! Who the hell were the Letts?

Lithuanians. Isn’t that interesting? Lettish was spoken around the area of the Baltic including Poland, Sweden, Ukraine, Belarus, Lithuania, and Latvia, among others. So. There is Clue #1: Lettish. Thank you, Wikipedia.

I also found a passenger list (among several possible contenders) that had a hometown for GGGrandfather Leopold as ‘Suwalken, Russland.’ It was a German ship, and Suwalken translates to Suwalki, which is currently part of Poland (remember, a lot of these borders were fought over and changed often). It is smack dab on the Lithuanian border. Clue #2: Suwalki.

I go looking for Suwalki on a map. Interestingly, not 20 miles south of Suwalki is a town called Augustow. Matt’s GGrandfather’s name was August, and possibly the GGGGrandfather, too. Clue #3: Augustow.

Coincidence? Very possibly. It could mean nothing. All of these clues could be red herrings and mean absolutely nothing. But it is what I have to go on right now, so I’m using this as my current working theory.

Next was the fun part. A friend of mine just happened to call last night. She’s Polish. She and her husband and two boys applied to leave Poland after the wall came down in the late 80s or early 90s and they’ve been here ever since, more than 20 years. I mentioned all this to her and when I got to Suwalki she said that was the area where her mother was from. She spent all her summers there as a kid, it is the ‘lake district’ for Poland, big on tourism. Very beautiful, she said. She still has family there and offered to help out with translations and tracking information down, if we need help. I told her the last name variation, too, and she said it translates to ‘frost.’ She said that variation is absolutely not Lithuanian, it is Polish. So, that’s something, too.

We’re frosty!

There are a lot of loose ends, though. There is another August showing up with his family in a different town (Hoboken) from the one that Matt’s family was in (Piscataway). I thought it was an unconnected coincidence…until I found a connection in the GGGrandfather’s funeral book signatures, complete with ‘Hoboken’ beside it. Really bizarre. Could it be Leopold’s younger brother? The age difference is only 10 years, it couldn’t be another son. Maybe a cousin?

There is also a floral arrangement listed as being given by “The official family of Piscataway.” What the hell does that mean?? There have always been rumors of Russian Mafia in the family, could that be the ‘official family?’

We have no information on parents or siblings of GGGrandfather Leopold. Unless we can find something, that may be the end of the line. This is why I’m pursuing Suwalki.

So, I’ve decided I’m going to keep my Ancestry.com membership for at least a couple months. It isn’t cheap, I know a lot of people don’t join because of that but it is an incredibly good resource. If anyone wants me to look anything up, please email me and let me know detailed names and dates. I’d be happy to use my membership to help out.

Overload

I’ve had a lot going on lately that I’m still trying to process. A LOT. Some of it is funny. Some of it isn’t. Some of it I will need some input on. I think I’ll start on one of those topics here.

I think I may have found my sister (part 1)

Those of you who know me well know I’m an only child. Those of you who know me REALLY well and have been paying attention know that I do have a half-sister from my father’s first marriage. She’s 11 years older than I am, and she’s deaf. I’ve never met her, and we have no idea where she is. Every few years I go looking for her online.

I think I may have found her on Facebook and also on Classmates.com, with pictures. Everything matches up. Everything. Age, middle name, red hair, she’s deaf, she’s even in the right state. It’s got to be her, but I still have that shadow of doubt sitting there. I need to confirm a birthdate and then I’ll know for sure.

I haven’t contacted her. I’m not going to, at least not for now. I know that she knows where my/our father is and she hasn’t contacted him. That tells me she doesn’t want to. I can respect that, I have no idea what she knows or was told about dad. That’s a can of worms I’m not sure I want to open just yet.

She’s got two kids. Do you know how strange it is to think that I might have nieces and/or nephews? That’s always been something other people have had, never me. Because I don’t have siblings. But I do have a sibling. But not really. It’s so complicated.

It is a very very strange feeling. All evening the day I found the pictures I would be working on something and the thought would flutter through my mind

I may have found my sister.

And I’d stop for a second and blink. And then continue with whatever it was I was doing. And then I’d be walking down the stairs and there it would be again

I think I’ve found my sister.

And I’d shake my head a bit and move on.

And the pictures. I look at the two pictures and originally I thought: “Nah. She doesn’t look anything like me, or my dad.” And then I’d look again, at the tilt of the head and the smile and remember the pictures that I have of me that look just like that. But still really different. I likened it to looking at two faces and then seeing a candlestick.

Part 2: the not so great part

So, when I was growing up, the topic of the half-sister was taboo. We didn’t talk about it. Questions weren’t acceptable. It was a non-topic. My mother did tell me a few things. Dad? Never.

So, imagine my surprise when, last week when we had an influx of (dad’s) family coming north for a funeral that my closest-in-age cousin told me that dad had talked TO THEM about it while they were visiting. Not only does dad know where she is, he talks to her.

So he tells my cousin all about it….but not me. WTF??? I’m. Really. Not. Happy. I really don’t know what to think. I was shocked.

Matt and I have talked about it and, knowing what we know of my control-freak dad, we decided that there were two reasons we can see him doing this:

1) by him being the only one in contact with her, he controls what she knows about him/us. If I were in contact with her, who knows what I might tell her?

2) this forces me to ask him, which puts him in a position of power/control. I’m betting he guessed my cousin would bring it up to me. He also has a habit of underestimating me on a regular basis, so I’ll bet he thought I wouldn’t be able to find her myself.

I’m pretty angry. The fact that my mother hasn’t told me about this also upsets me.

I’ll open the floor to discussion now. Thoughts? Opinions?