Introspectrus, part 2: Ambition, Smambition

When I was in 3rd grade, I was in the lower reading group and we were working on some unit. I got finished first. The teacher yanked me out into the hallway and asked me if I wanted to be moved up to the upper reading group. At that point, I was crying. I was crying because, well come on! Do I really need to explain this? When a teacher yanks you into the hallway, it is because you did Something Really Bad.

TO THIS DAY, no matter what I say, my mother thinks that I was crying because I did not want to be put in the higher reading group. The way the teacher told it to my mom later, I started crying after she asked me. From that day until now, my parents have held the belief that I am lazy/have no ambition.

Let’s look at the definition, shall we?

Ambition: NOUN

-An eager or strong desire to achieve something, such as fame or power.
The object or goal desired: Her ambition is the presidency.
Desire for exertion or activity; energy: had no ambition to go dancing.

Hmmm. Fame and power? Yeah. Not so much.

I’m not good on the front lines. I’m not a soldier. I used to be. (insert flowery piano music while I reminisce). When I was in college I spent a lot of time fighting, I was good at it, and I enjoyed it. As I write this, I remember talking with Jackie about such things and she said that at the ripe old age of 36 she was no longer interested in fighting the fight. Leave it for the younger crew (that would have been me, at the time). She needed to get on with her life, raise her kids, get her educmacashun. I didn’t understand then.

I do now. At the ripe old age of 34.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely fight for some things and will to the end. No discussion. But not in a job. Not anymore. I have learned the hard way that if I work for A Cause, that Cause becomes my life. It envelopes and engulfs me. I get lost in the fight, and I lose myself. Not healthy, not good for a relationship. Not good overall. As much as I’d like to I cannot do it anymore.

It’s like art and crafts for me. Would I like to learn to quilt someday? You bet. Now? No. It would take over the house, the hunt for really cool fabrics and spending money on them, time on piecing, switching things around and then back again, and sewing…sewing….sewing. I have to limit my art/crafts interests to a mere 1-2 things. Hence, jewelry right now. Temari very occasionally.

Anyway, back to the front lines. Not great. I’m much better working in a support capacity. Let someone else have the limelight. I know that they got there because of me. I don’t need the fame. Don’t want the power, because as soon as you have it you worry about keeping it and/or getting more. No, thanks.

So, how about this instead:

Aspiration Noun:
3 a: a strong desire to achieve something high or great b: an object of such desire

So. Ambition vs. Aspiration? Fame/power vs. the desire of something great? Two totally different things, IMHO. Of course I aspire to things. I have desires. Defining that ‘high or great’ thing is where we get stuck. And who considers them high and great is even more of a problem.

Join me for the next installment of Introspectrus, part 3: The Higher, The Fewer!