Introspectrus, part 1: Career Woman?

I took some time off from this blog recently to do some internal thinking and considering. I’m not sure if I”ve come to any conclusions, mainly because I’m not entirely sure what the questions were, but I thought I’d share some of my ponderings and thoughts here over the next few weeks. They may be a bit rambling. Deal.

It’s interesting, as I was going through old 2008 posts the other week while re-tagging them I came across an entry that said we were thinking of expanding the veggie patch 4-fold in the spring, and “let’s see if it actually happens.”

I had to smile, because not only did it happen but we’re almost done. It’s been a lot of work, my back aches…and I was sitting on the pine-chip walk today, in the sun, between the new tomato bed and the new bean bed, and I just smiled. It felt good. I felt good. My back hurts, but I felt good. I think you know what I mean.

I’m an only child, I was raised by two educated people with more-than-average IQs (although sometimes I’m not so sure about that!). I am also an educated person with a more-than-average IQ (not bragging, just saying). I was raised with the expectation that I would go to college. It wasn’t a choice. I did.

I was also raised with the idea that you didn’t go get a job. You had a career. There is a difference. And it is doubly important for women because women with careers get taken more seriously.

I was also very serious since I was very small that I wanted to go into archaeology. I did the joint high school/park service digs on the battlefield (growing up in Gettysburg has its perks), and majored in anthropology once I got to Clarion.

Imagine my shock when I found that I hated it. Most of it anyway. And the professors. I changed out to sociology, which fit better in some ways and not so much in others.

Flash forward 11 years. I’ve been in the same job for all that time. Note the term: job. Not career. Stupid as it sounds, I carried a lot of guilt about that split-hair for a while, being a BHL (Bleeding Heart Liberal) woman with a decent feminist streak. I’m supposed to be moving, working on my career, I said, not staying put at the same desk. But the job I’m in pays extremely well for the area, and I’d have to drive an hour or more into the DC beltway or somewhere else equally distasteful to get another paying the same. I’m 10 minutes away from home right now. So, here I stay.

Besides, my mindset started changing. I don’t believe anymore that corporate life, whatever the field, is right for me. I hate the conformity, the stress. The pressure to perform. I watch all these people scurrying back and forth and can’t help but think that this is NOT the way we humans were meant to live.

Then, last week and opportunity presented itself: a position. On campus. In a different building, different contract. A contract that is starting to be taken VERY seriously. The position looked like it was made for me. I called, got an interview. It went really well, and I am still interested in working there eventually. But. The position is a career-building position with a lot of responsibility, pressure. Only 2 people in the office, and I’d have to put out fires when the boss wasn’t around. Is that what I want?

Short answer: No. Longer answer: Not anymore. 10 years ago? You bet. If the office gets larger and I’m not the go-to person 24/7? You bet. But if I am 50% of the equation usually or 100% occasionally? Not interested.

And that was a difficult decision to come by due to the $20K more/year boost it would give me. Us. The household. We could really use it. Who couldn’t?

But I would be miserable. Is that a worthy tradeoff? $20K = miserable? Feeling sick to your stomach at the thought of going in to work every day?

And now we come back to something that I've talked about before. Ambition. (Stay tuned for Introspectrus, part 2: Ambition, Smambition).