Monday, January 30, 2012

There is no Magical Path

A few years ago, I discovered a blog by an artist in Canada, and I’ve been a sporadic reader ever since. I found that she could put into words things I felt but couldn’t describe, and her posts were very therapeutic for me.

But clearly, for awhile now, I’ve been unhappy. I’ve felt unsettled and awkward, almost like I was intentionally avoiding something.

Last fall, she decided to have another artist/writer also post on her blog, and I can say I’ve found her posts to be even MORE applicable to me. It’s as though *I* wrote them. Absolutely spot on. And timely, too, things that are happening to me NOW or explanations of things I should have realized but didn’t.

And for the first few days in Kauai, I wasn’t settled either. I was thrilled to be there, of course, but I felt a little like I was phoning it in. The truth was, I was starting to panic. What if I didn’t find answers here? WHAT IF THERE WERE NO ANSWERS?! Gack.

Here’s one of them. This may sound silly, and to some people what she writes here about her "discovery" may seem obvious, but this really hit home to me.

The next morning, we were having tea on our lanai, listening to the waves, about to head off for the day, when I heard this little voice inside my head say, "Help." I was praying. For a sign, an answer, something obvious. Please, I thought, let there be something obvious.

This is soooo me. This is EXACTLY what I do. Wait for a sign, assume one will come. Figure it either isn’t time yet or I missed it if one does NOT come.

She got a sign, (you’ll have to go read the blog post for the whole bit) and it was a kick in the head to me when I read it, because she’s (again) spot on.

What the hell? How did I go from clueless to confident in three seconds?

I wish I could say the outcome was the same for me. The key word here (to me) is "confident," which she writes on (and I will, too) in a later post. But reading about someone else’s AH-HAH!! moment isn’t the same as having one yourself. She renders it down to taking action vs. fear of choice. I HATE making choices, yet I get pissed when I DON’T have a choice in something. Yes, I realize that doesn’t make any sense.

And it isn’t lost on me that I am/was/have been waiting for a sign from the Universe to tell me what the answer is…..which is JUST LIKE someone else telling you what to do, making the choice for you. So. Hm.

Something to think about for me, and definitely a work in progress.

Friday, January 27, 2012

…….Or Not.

OK, so that didn’t work. Sorry about that.

This past year has been…..enlightening….challenging….a bit scary at times. It’s been fun, funny, sad, full of love and joy, new people, ideas, and things. Chickens. New neighbors. Food. Gifts given and received. Flowery language. Too much CNN, dammit. Hope and frustrations and everything in between.

I’m going to try this again, but I can’t promise anything. I have some pictures to post, stories to tell, grief and pain to get out of my system, and growth to explore.

I’m going to attempt to post a few times a week, sometimes long stuff or pictures….sometimes just a quote that caught my attention and why it struck me. Sometimes it might be just stream of consciousness stuff. Sometimes it might be personal issues. Sometimes it might be work related, as that is a major upheaval right now.

I’m also planning on pointing towards a few blogs that have resonated with me lately.

I’m not going to be updating the garden blog, but I’m not going to take it down. Just an FYI. I’ll post a note there explaining all that, though. I may want to pick it up again in the future, and I know I will refer to it at times.

I’m hoping to also promote some discussion and thinking and questioning, too! It should be fun...