Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Love sucks. I mean, really. God how it sucks.

So, my hooband has been talking online with a woman. This is not a new thing, they have been friends for longer than I've known him. She's on the other side of the continent, in another country. I went through the Omigod He's Leaving Me shit and got it over with. My issue now is that he spends more time talking to her than he does to me.

Which isn't exactly true, but it feels that way sometimes and feels good to say it. I've had nightmares about her two mornings in a row now, and this is pathetic. Just so stupid and embarassing to admit and pathetic. But they have made me feel really shitty and I had to get it off my back.

Now, you know what happened next. I did the stupid stupid thing and told him about it and we got into a big fight this morning. *sigh* I knew better, too. I really did. I just couldn't not tell him. I cried hard, too, a big sobby cry (I needed to, I have a crying phobia) and he (being male) thought I was crying about the stupid dreams and not because of feeling somewhat abandoned in our relationship. I mean, it's not like we haven't talked about it before. He thought I was crying over what happened in a brain-induced stupid dream? Come on. I thought he was smarter than that (oh yeah, he's male. Nevermind).

So this has been on my mind all morning, and I've been having Aha! moments and such. I never had affection from my father, so I am doubly needy for it now - and I'm not getting it. I used to get affection from hooband, but not so much now. Not to mention my father has been in the hospital lately, so I am really need now. I can't understand why hooband can't see that, Mr. Amatuer Psychologist. Gimme a break.

I'm getting especially tired of hooband's constant posturing. We're at the gym walking the track, and we pass a guy at a punching bag doing his thing. I don't think he even glanced at us, but when we're past hooband says to me: "Did you see him look at me and (he makes a puffed-up toughguy man face) go back to it harder?" No, dumbass, I didn't because I'm here doing my own thing and so is he. And I told him I didn't care what the other guy did, it doesn't affect me. He is one of the most insecure men I've ever met, and that is saying a LOT.

Once before, I needed him to spot for me doing some bench presses. And here I am on this damned bench struggling with a weight, and I look up at my dutiful spotter, who is singing and dancing a little to the music playing and looking to see if any of the big, macho guys there are looking at him spotting for his weightlifter wife. I had to call his name *3 damn times* before he looked down to see if I needed him. I was so angry. I have never asked him to spot for me again, and I never will.

I feel, and I have always felt, he is to interested in his own self interests to be with me. I don't know what this means for our future. I'm kind of sick about it.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

That's what I want...It's what I want...

So our bank account is overdrawn. Again. AGAIN. I can't figure out how we keep doing this. I mean, I swear to god it's like we hemorrhage the stuff. How do we do this EVERY DAMN TIME? I'm trying SO HARD to make all this work, pay off the things we need to pay off, save for the things we need and want to save for and I just can't seem to get it all right. I feel like shit, every time, and I don't know how to break the cycle.