Put your left foot in....UPDATED

Yoga tonight! I'm excited. I used to do yoga every morning with that guy on the Oxygen Network, I can't remember his name. It was fun. I'm anticipating being in pain tomorrow, though, and I can't wait!

(yoga happens)

It was great! Matt went with, and including him and the instructor there were only 6 of us. I'm a bit sore this morning, but not too bad. I signed up for another 3 weekly classes. I'm looking forward to it.

I just need to remember not to eat anything that will make me gassy!

Getting it Together

I have always been quiet, a bit shy, and reserved. I have never thought of myself as a confident person, and have always envied those that were in school and in the workplace. I always secretly hated myself for not speaking up in circumstances where I didn’t agree with what was being said or done.

Then one day at my former work a coworker absolutely floored me by telling me she envied me for my confidence and strength. She actually said that she thought I “had it together.” Me! Having it together? I was shocked. I still am. Isn’t it amazing what other people see in us that we never see in ourselves?

I think I’m in the middle of a mid-life crisis of sorts, even though I certainly HOPE this isn’t my mid-life. I mean, in a way I guess it is. I’ll be 37 at the end of the month, and 37x2=74. That’s not a bad age to go, you know, in terms of quality of life. It isn’t OLD, in my opinion. But my dad’s dad and mom’s mom didn’t make it that far. But age is just a number, you’re only as old as you feel (and other clichés) and I don’t feel old at all. Really! It probably sounds like I’m trying to convince myself, not you, but I really don’t feel old! I do know people my age who feel their life is OVER at this point, and will be wrinkly with their hair falling out by year’s end. That’s not me.

My hair IS starting to turn white, though. And I LOVE IT!!!!!! It is gorgeous, I’m so happy about it.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. The past year or so has been trying, a lot of things have happened that I don’t fully understand/haven’t worked out yet. I’ve met a lot of new people that I haven’t quite all sorted out yet. I’ve been in this new job for about a year and a half, and it’s been (shock, shock) good and bad. More on that in a later post, though. In short, a lot of things have changed, are in the process of changing, or will be changing shortly.

Change can lead to uncertainty, uncertainty to fear, fear to……inaction? Lack of confidence? Call it what you will, same thing. So, when I read this post by the same woman who wrote the other one I discussed, it hit home, too. Go read it, I’ll wait.

(Insert generic waiting room music)

Back? Good. The part about confidence being an action and not a feeling is something I’ve always known, but never completely relied on or acted on. It was a good reminder to read this post, as I will have a LOT of opportunity this coming year to fall back on the ACTION of confidence.

At work, which I will discuss soon. I’m feeling a bit powerless right now at work. I know everything will be ok, but it is still difficult and stressful.

In art, which I may or may not discuss later as there really isn’t much to talk about. I’m still making jewelry, but it’s slow. 2010 was the first year I actually made a profit. Not sure about 2011 yet, but it was a good year. Slow, but I’m enjoying it.

In the house/garage and garden, which is also slow going.

In my relationships, which I may or may not discuss later. We’ll see. Things have been weird, and I’m not talking about Hooband (but we are in counseling. I’m trying not to feel ashamed at that, but there is stigma. We both like the counselor. I’m not sure how much it is helping, but at this point..). Some strange, interesting, and fun people have popped into my life this year.

I am NOT going to go taking fighting classes like the author of the blog post did. Ha! I am going to start taking some sort of classes, though. I found a yoga class that fits my schedule. I want to learn to spin yarn. I’m going to start WW again to lose weight, because working on it on my own again isn’t working.

I need to commit to cleaning a lot of accumulated junk out of the house, which will begin this weekend. I just looked around the house the other day and all I saw was….clutter. Nice clutter, to be sure! OUR clutter, accumulated separately and together. But still, clutter nonetheless. Need to figure out what to keep, what to pack up, and where to draw the line.

So, talk to me of confidence! Tell me what you think!

There is no Magical Path

A few years ago, I discovered a blog by an artist in Canada, and I’ve been a sporadic reader ever since. I found that she could put into words things I felt but couldn’t describe, and her posts were very therapeutic for me.

But clearly, for awhile now, I’ve been unhappy. I’ve felt unsettled and awkward, almost like I was intentionally avoiding something.

Last fall, she decided to have another artist/writer also post on her blog, and I can say I’ve found her posts to be even MORE applicable to me. It’s as though *I* wrote them. Absolutely spot on. And timely, too, things that are happening to me NOW or explanations of things I should have realized but didn’t.

And for the first few days in Kauai, I wasn’t settled either. I was thrilled to be there, of course, but I felt a little like I was phoning it in. The truth was, I was starting to panic. What if I didn’t find answers here? WHAT IF THERE WERE NO ANSWERS?! Gack.

Here’s one of them. This may sound silly, and to some people what she writes here about her "discovery" may seem obvious, but this really hit home to me.

The next morning, we were having tea on our lanai, listening to the waves, about to head off for the day, when I heard this little voice inside my head say, "Help." I was praying. For a sign, an answer, something obvious. Please, I thought, let there be something obvious.

This is soooo me. This is EXACTLY what I do. Wait for a sign, assume one will come. Figure it either isn’t time yet or I missed it if one does NOT come.

She got a sign, (you’ll have to go read the blog post for the whole bit) and it was a kick in the head to me when I read it, because she’s (again) spot on.

What the hell? How did I go from clueless to confident in three seconds?

I wish I could say the outcome was the same for me. The key word here (to me) is "confident," which she writes on (and I will, too) in a later post. But reading about someone else’s AH-HAH!! moment isn’t the same as having one yourself. She renders it down to taking action vs. fear of choice. I HATE making choices, yet I get pissed when I DON’T have a choice in something. Yes, I realize that doesn’t make any sense.

And it isn’t lost on me that I am/was/have been waiting for a sign from the Universe to tell me what the answer is…..which is JUST LIKE someone else telling you what to do, making the choice for you. So. Hm.

Something to think about for me, and definitely a work in progress.

Six Month Hiatus - DONE!!!

Lots going on will write more later....but as a teaser:

• Chickens coming.
• Made a profit for the first year last year with my business, and it looks as though this year I will also.
• New job is going.....well. More stress, but going well.
• Lost some friends, found some new ones.
• Another Virginia trip upcoming.
• A Bermuda trip upcoming.
• Other things, good and bad, afoot.

In other words, life. Hope to hear from you, hope some of you noticed that I'm BAAAAACCKKK!

Mysterious Ways

I have 4 days of New Job under my belt. I think it is going to work out fine. It is VERY different than my old job. It is wonderful. And I enjoy my lone coworker a lot. The feds there treat us like humans, which is a weird feeling.

I wanted to talk a bit about how this happened, because it is strange.

About 2.5-3 weeks ago, I was angry, frustrated, sad, depressed, and while I was looking forward to our government-enforced week off from work (the library shuts down 4 weeks a year and we have the option to take unemployment, vacation, or leave without pay), I was still unhappy with the job and wanted a new one. Desperately.

I am not a religious person. Spiritual, maybe. Not religious. I tend to feel the universe works in its own way and you and I have no control over it. I also tend to think most of the time we get in our own way. I know I do.

I was watering the garden one evening, the sun had gone down, I was feeling down, and I was thinking about where I was in life and where I wanted to be (I have no clue) and I knew I wasn't making any headway on my own and whatever path I was looking for I just couldn't see. I could feel very strongly that thing had come to an impasse. There was nothing I could do at this point.

So, I gave up.

And I sighed and said (outloud, mind you): "OK. It's all yours. I don't know what I'm doing. If there is a path I'm supposed to be on, show it to me. If there is a teacher supposed to come into my life, bring them. Let's go."

Now, I have said these words before, but to be honest I didn't really mean them. This time, I meant every word.

And a week later, there it was. It is also not lost on me that this is the second time the same opportunity has fallen into my lap.

New Job!!!!

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!

It is the same position that I interviewed and talked about here. What a difference a year makes! The woman that did get hired went to Colorado a week or so ago....and decided not to come back. Her husband (who also works on campus as a fed) was left with breaking the news and turning in her key and badge. Additionally, she had the government laptop with her in Colorado. So. Not good. I cant' imagine leaving someone in the lurch like that.

Anyway, I was the next on the list last year so they called me on Tuesday, I had an interview on Wednesday, and they made an offer on Thursday. Very quick, I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I gave notice to my current job last Thursday.

This week, the library is closed and I'm taking vacation time, so I actually started my new job this week for 4 days. Next week (12th-16th) I'm working at the library again, then I start permanently with the new job on Monday the 19th.

I'll write more about the job later, but for now you can check out the website here. There is a brochure here.

I will be more MIA here until everything gets squared away. We are well, but stressed a bit.

Gettysburg, July 1 – My Family

Matt and I recently started watching the movie Gettysburg again. Coincidentally, it happens to be right about the same time that almost 150 years ago, the troops would have been converging on the town. I haven’t watched the movie in a long time. We made it through almost 2 hours of it last night, and it made me incredibly sentimental. So, I thought I’d do a series of three or four posts about what it is like growing up in an Extremely Historical Town. I’m not going to talk much about the battle itself, so many hundreds of thousands of people have already talked ad nauseum about the battle, tactics, etc. You don’t need to hear it from me.

Today, I’ll talk about my family history in the town. Tomorrow, I’ll talk about growing up here. Saturday, I’ll talk about the filming of the movie. Sunday I probably won’t talk about anything, as I’ll be on my way to Lancaster for a family get-together.

So, my family history in Gettysburg. My mother is the Keeper of the Genealogy for the family but, to be honest, I don’t know a lot of it as perfectly as I could. I know stories, and I know names, but I can’t place them on a tree very well without a lot of thought and considering. And besides, you don’t need to know the specifics so I won’t bother.

Suffice it to say my mother’s family was living in Gettysburg at the time of the battle and had been since the 1700s. They were German, and we have a lot of Millers, Kitzmillers, Garlachs, Mumpers, etc, in the family. Which is great fun when you’re talking about Great Grandmother Kitzmiller Miller.

I had two GGGGrandfathers that were in the civil war. One of them was in (I believe) the Battle of Chancellorsville which was in May of that year. He was shot in the gut. He lay on the field for a couple days, holding himself together (I'll let you imagine that, I won't go into details). The wagons came by to collect the dead for burial and he moved. They took him to a hospital where he actually lived and recupirated until the middle of June when they decided to send him home. You know, to the nice, quiet, pastoral Northern town of Gettysburg. Nothing going on up there, after all! Geesh. Right before the battle.

Gettysburg was a small town even then, but if you look at a map it is a hub of crossroads. They liken it to a wagon wheel. Most of my family lived in town, but some lived south of town. Most people don’t realize that the Confederate troops came into town from the West and North, while the Union troops came from the South of town. When the Union filed past my family’s houses outside of town, my ancestors skipped out very fast. I can’t blame them. When one family came home, they found a soldier dead at their kitchen table, shot through the back. He’d been in the process of writing a letter to home. We don’t know any more if the soldier was a Yankee or a Rebel, and we don’t have the letter….but we still have the table with the bullet intact.

Like I said, most of my family lived in town, and the Garlachs lived on Baltimore Street. A lot of people don’t really realize that the battle took over the town and the surrounding farm fields. It is a local joke that tourists will ask (and it does happen!) “Where is the battlefield?” as if they are expecting you to point them to a football field-sized fenced in area. But generally the reply is “You’re standing on it.” Because you always are.

Also, the 1-2 day of the battle was rough for the Union and they were forced to retreat from the West side of town THROUGH TOWN to the south side, where they regrouped. So, the entire Union army fled past the Garlach house, and that area of town was a hotbed for sharp shooters and snipers throughout the rest of the battle.

Anna Garlach was my Great Great Grandmother, and was about 18 at the time of the battle. Her father was a cabinet maker and was born in Hesse Darmstadt, Germany. This website has a wonderful description of what happened at the Garlach house during the battle, and we have these same stories as well as a hand-written account that have been passed down through the generations, too. There is also a picture of my GGGGrandparents, Catharine and Henry.

The best story, I think, was when Anna went out to slop the pigs and found Union Brigadier-General Alexander Schimmelfennig hiding in the pig shed. He had been cut off from the rest of the Union Army during the retreat and if he’d been caught he’d been killed. So, he hid. I would have, too. Anna fed and watered him and kept it quiet, and he eventually snuck back to the Union lines a couple days later.

After the battle, the heat was said to be incredible and I can’t imagine what town must have smelled like. Everyone in town helped find and care for the wounded and collect and bury the bodies. I don’t think any of us can imagine this. I hope we never know it first-hand. No stories were passed down about this part of the battle.

Only one civilian was killed in town, her name was Jennie Wade. She was at her sister’s house caring for her and the newborn baby when she was struck by a stray minie ball. After the battle, her sister sold the house and part of my family bought it. They lived in one half of it for the next 50 or so years, and my grandmother and her twin brother were born there in 1899. Sometime thereafter, it was turned into a museum and my family ran that for another 50 years.

Omigod, I Have Fans!

I created a fan page for my jewelry business last night on Facebook. I tried vainly to navigate adding some bells and whistles to it. I gave up because I was tired and getting frustrated, but I did add a 'fans' button onto my blog (see right) and I did update my Facebook status with a note that my business had a page, come see it. (Yes, this is the same Facebook I was going to quit. I decided to give it one more go but this time as a marketing tool).

I then completely forgot about it.

And OMIGOD, I have fans! I was so surprised to see FANS this afternoon when I logged on here. Fans. Me! FANS!!!??? Hee hee hee hee hee......

Overload

I’ve had a lot going on lately that I’m still trying to process. A LOT. Some of it is funny. Some of it isn’t. Some of it I will need some input on. I think I’ll start on one of those topics here.

I think I may have found my sister (part 1)

Those of you who know me well know I’m an only child. Those of you who know me REALLY well and have been paying attention know that I do have a half-sister from my father’s first marriage. She’s 11 years older than I am, and she’s deaf. I’ve never met her, and we have no idea where she is. Every few years I go looking for her online.

I think I may have found her on Facebook and also on Classmates.com, with pictures. Everything matches up. Everything. Age, middle name, red hair, she’s deaf, she’s even in the right state. It’s got to be her, but I still have that shadow of doubt sitting there. I need to confirm a birthdate and then I’ll know for sure.

I haven’t contacted her. I’m not going to, at least not for now. I know that she knows where my/our father is and she hasn’t contacted him. That tells me she doesn’t want to. I can respect that, I have no idea what she knows or was told about dad. That’s a can of worms I’m not sure I want to open just yet.

She’s got two kids. Do you know how strange it is to think that I might have nieces and/or nephews? That’s always been something other people have had, never me. Because I don’t have siblings. But I do have a sibling. But not really. It’s so complicated.

It is a very very strange feeling. All evening the day I found the pictures I would be working on something and the thought would flutter through my mind

I may have found my sister.

And I’d stop for a second and blink. And then continue with whatever it was I was doing. And then I’d be walking down the stairs and there it would be again

I think I’ve found my sister.

And I’d shake my head a bit and move on.

And the pictures. I look at the two pictures and originally I thought: “Nah. She doesn’t look anything like me, or my dad.” And then I’d look again, at the tilt of the head and the smile and remember the pictures that I have of me that look just like that. But still really different. I likened it to looking at two faces and then seeing a candlestick.

Part 2: the not so great part

So, when I was growing up, the topic of the half-sister was taboo. We didn’t talk about it. Questions weren’t acceptable. It was a non-topic. My mother did tell me a few things. Dad? Never.

So, imagine my surprise when, last week when we had an influx of (dad’s) family coming north for a funeral that my closest-in-age cousin told me that dad had talked TO THEM about it while they were visiting. Not only does dad know where she is, he talks to her.

So he tells my cousin all about it….but not me. WTF??? I’m. Really. Not. Happy. I really don’t know what to think. I was shocked.

Matt and I have talked about it and, knowing what we know of my control-freak dad, we decided that there were two reasons we can see him doing this:

1) by him being the only one in contact with her, he controls what she knows about him/us. If I were in contact with her, who knows what I might tell her?

2) this forces me to ask him, which puts him in a position of power/control. I’m betting he guessed my cousin would bring it up to me. He also has a habit of underestimating me on a regular basis, so I’ll bet he thought I wouldn’t be able to find her myself.

I’m pretty angry. The fact that my mother hasn’t told me about this also upsets me.

I’ll open the floor to discussion now. Thoughts? Opinions?

Introspectrus, Part 5

Fall is winding down and although we have a construction project winding up, Fall leading into Winter still is my time to slow down, take stock, decide on changes, refresh and recharge, all that stuff. I think many people feel this way about Winter, it is the time of rest.

One of the things I’m thinking about quite a bit is how the things and people that surround me affect my life and the way I live it and view it. Negativity has been rearing its ugly head again recently, and I’m taking another series of steps to remove it and rethink things.

For example, at work we’re having a ‘situation’ where one of my coworkers is not getting work done as quickly as the contract states it needs to be done. A meeting was scheduled today for The Powers That Be to 'discuss' it. I just got a very acidic phone call from a different coworker asking if the meeting had happened and if the ‘problem’ coworker had been fired yet. She said that she is a strong believer in revenge, and she just wants to see him get what he deserves. End quote.

Wow.

And now I have a headache. Coincidence? Negativity breeds negativity, no? Need to find a way to pull the fangs here, or at least direct them elsewhere.

Negative, bitter people drain me and make me feel negative and bitter. I think we're all like sponges: happy people make me feel good. Negative people make me feel bad. This is not rocket science. To take a phrase from Seinfeld, I’ve decided the negative people are no longer sponge-worthy.

A few people in my life have just stopped where they are and refuse to move forward, and their ‘extra’ time and energy are turning destructive. I’ve decided to not let it destroy me as well. I need to find a way to get rid of it where possible and block it where not possible (like work). That’s going to be the hard part.

Another energy-drain had been television. We camped out in front of the TV and watched shows all evening like Family Guy, 2 1/2 Men, which are funny but usually at the expense of other people….so, more negativity.….until the TV went out (don’t ask). We decided not to sign up for another service. We did sign up for the cheapest Netflix option, and that has been working out beautifully for us. We’ve seen the first two seasons of Night Court and the first 4 of Are You Being Served? and a few great movies.

Then, recently dad told us he wanted to get us a DVD player that runs .avi files, so we could just download entire movies and seasons from the computer and watch them….and he was shocked when I said we weren’t interested. I mean, he was speechless. My father is either in front of the computer or in front of the TV, there is nothing else. OTOH, Matt and I have been doing other things, and talking! My god, talking! Eating dinner at the table! Wow.

One other ‘entertainment’ item to go is probably going to be Facebook. I don’t like it. I don’t really use it. I don’t talk to these people. I haven’t seen most of my HS classmates in 15 years, I don't want to get together with them anytime soon. Where do these people come from? Do any of them remember how mean they were to me then? I don’t share pictures there and I don’t want to. So, mostly negative feelings. I’ve gotten somewhat into a game there recently, but that interest will wane. Why keep it up? Seriously, why? So, probably the end of December will be my last with Facebook. And I actually am looking forward to that.

Finding pastimes that I enjoy is also a goal. Obviously I know several. I garden, but that’s kind of hard in winter. I can start planning next year’s gardens, though. Seed catalogs have already started arriving! I enjoy reading, jewelry making, some crafting. I’m thinking of setting up the sewing machine and getting a few projects to work on.

I’m also going to be working on getting some piles of stuff cleaned up, filed, sorted, put away. Some jewelry projects started and maybe finished, and the jewelry workspace cleaned up. I’ve realized that while I feel comfortable with clutter and piles, the fact that it makes my entire life more cluttered is not a good tradeoff. And it isn’t fair to Matt, either. So, this is another form of negativity that I’m working on.

I also plan on doing some cooking. I love to cook, and when I have time and no one underfoot I like to cook well. I’m thinking dreamily about a cranberry-orange tart, coffee crème brulees, and maybe a few batches of cookies and bourbon balls. I have a huge stack of recipes that I want to try, I’ll probably pull a few and do them, now that I have some time.

I’m also going to take Max a few places to run around, which is grand fun. One Thanksgiving week we took a walk through the trails on the Battlefield and saw a red fox. Another time, we went to campus and I let him run around a field for as long as he wanted. He’s good off-leash, and we can trust him to come back when we call him. This is almost miraculous for a terrier. He will stop chasing a bunny and come back when we call him. Amazing little guy.

So, replacing negative time with positive, negative people with positive, negative thoughts with positive.

Introspectrus, part 4

I never did do the last Introspectrus that I’d originally planned, and I can’t even remember now where I was going with it. So, I think I’ll just keep this going with whatever musings/thinkings/worries/deep thoughts/etc that occur to me at the time.

I have recently been thinking about indulgence, needs, wants, compromise, dreams, and sacrifices. Choices. I think some of this is coming with the change in season, some is coming with the changes at the house. Some is coming from my back-to-the-grindstone weight loss plan as of October 1. Some is of course due to the change in my job and all the paperwork I need to fill out for that. That part has been a PITA. Some things are something else altogether. So, I’ll cover them here one by one.

Seasonal: Our garden was huge this year, and now it is starting to draw to a close. We still have some crops in, yes, but most of them are done, need to be cleaned up, and I haven’t had time to get around to it yet. Some of it can wait until spring. It is a natural life/death change that comes with winter. I didn’t have much help with the planting and harvesting, and it looks like I’m not going to have much help with the clean up, etc, either, but I know he’s busy with the garage teardown, too, and that is a trade-off: help getting some garden stuff done, or nothing getting done on the garage teardown/rebuild. It is an acceptable trade-off to me. So I’d best get a move on if I’m going to get the garden put to sleep. This kind of trade-off is something I have a hard time remembering and realizing. Learning compromise, all over again.

House: I’ve been waiting for 8 years for this damn garage to come down and finally…FINALLY… it is happening. I cannot TELL you how happy that makes me. Sure, it is going to be an imposition, as any teardown/rebuild can be. Sure, it won’t happen like we want it and we’ll have to readjust our plans. I’m prepared for that. Sure, we probably won’t have it under roof before the cold weather really hits. Well, we might. I’ll be really surprised if we do.

Once it’s done, though, we will have much more space to move things from the house. Storage. A canning kitchen, so I’ll have a cooler space to work since the garage is built into a hill. Matt will have a workshop out there. Etc, etc. I’ll have some space out there, too. This is a need for both of us, some ME space. A retreat, somewhere to be alone. Right now in our house I cannot be anywhere inside that I cannot hear him doing whatever it is he’s doing (TV, music, computer, etc) or he cannot hear me (say he’s napping and I’m cooking). It’s been an issue. We also will have space to store building supplies out of the weather once we start working on the house, which has also been an issue.

I know Matt has been wanting to get this rolling faster and earlier than October. For some reason, though, none of it got started over the summer. I’m really not sure why. Part of it was Avoidance Of The Building Inspector. But it turns out that wasn’t going to be a problem (see a future post on my garden blog).

Weightloss: Not much to say here. Jody lost weight. Jody plans on losing more weight. Enough said. Sacrifice, need, want.

Change in Job: OMFG, how can someone or a group of people put so much damn work into something just to have it turn out to be….more of the same? No change, nothing new, same idiot manager doing absolutely nothing. Just hurry up and…eh. Nothing new, sorry! What a waste of energy! It is a horrible feeling. It is like sacrifice, but without any benefit.

Deciding how much more money to put towards my retirement funds is another story. I’m actually going to talk numbers sometime soon in another post, which will probably surprise some people. I think this is a topic that is sort of waltzed over by my particular age group, and a lot of people don’t bring up actual numbers and percentages and don’t necessarily know where they stand when compared to other people in my age group (I am NOT asking anyone to tell me their dirty little secrets). 34 is not too young to be planning for this, and as I don’t have kids and don’t plan to, if I play my cards right hopefully we will be able to retire earlier rather than later.

I will talk more about this later, but the long and short of it is that I will be bringing home some more $ per month than I did before, though I’m not entirely sure how much…not good at math, add in taxes and other withholdings and I just can’t figure it out. But I will have some more money coming.

Which is why I’m going to buy a dulcimer. That goes under the heading of ‘indulgence,’ because unless it has been purchased out from under me, I’m probably going to be purchasing this sweet-looking cherry hourglass Folkcraft dulcimer.

Why the hell am I buying a dulcimer? I’ve been asking myself this question, and I’ve talked myself out of it a dozen times in the past 2 months. I used to pseudo-play the guitar, and I did sing in the chorus and concert choir for years. No other instrument experience, though I’ve been told learning the dulcimer is fairly easy. But you know what? I’m going to buy one because I want one. I’m going to buy one because I haven’t had any vacation this summer because I was hoarding my vacation time because I wanted to get paid for it because I wasn’t sure I was going to have a job come 10/1, and because I’ve had a long, hard, stressful summer and dammit I want one. So, yeah, want and indulgence.

And the guy in the video, Bing Futch, has some wonderful instructional videos on Youtube, so he will be my unwitting copilot in the dulcimer journey.

Dreams: I haven’t talked about dreams yet. I have dreams, things I want to do before I die. Matt does, too. Everyone does, some more achievable than others. I don’t know what *it* is for me yet, though, like Jenna does. And I’m coming to terms with that. Slowly, but still. I hate not knowing something, and not knowing something like this really really drives me nuts.

My mother, 67, and my father, 71 (I know, strange names, but they’re easy to spell), have been married for about 36 or so years. I wouldn’t personally use the term ‘wedded bliss’ to describe their relationship, but it seems to work for them.

My mother often talks about a list she has of things she wants to do or buy after my dad dies (assuming that he dies first, of course). She’s had this list for years. It was a running joke at her workplace that someone would look around my father’s funeral and say “Where’s Pat?” and someone else would answer “Oh, she’s at the shelter, adopting cats.” Dad won’t let cats in the house now, and getting cats is top on her list of things to do after he goes.

I always thought that was so sad. I mean, who’s to say you will have money to do what you want to do after he dies? Who’s to say you’ll be healthy enough? But no, she’s not the type to actually tell my father “Suck it, I’m going to do what I want to do!” so she spends her life with a list of things to do after he dies. It makes me so ill to think about….

….then I had lunch with my dad this past week, where he dropped the bombshell (to me) that he’d given up good jobs and the hope for a nice business all his own….because mom would not leave Gettysburg. Bam. I was shocked. I never knew that. Puts another spin on things, doesn’t it? Not everything is so one-sided. I'm not saying either of them is justified in holding the other back, they chose this life. But...it just seems so sad to me to spend your life with someone you love, but at the same time not be able to do something you really want to do.

Compromise? Sacrifice? I’m not sure which I would call these situations. Maybe both? But it really has me thinking about what we give up for those we love, and should we really give up things we want for people we want? Or things we need for people we need? Or things we need for people we want? OR (this is the last variation, don't worry), things we want for people we need? Hmmmm…..

Introspectrus, part 3: The Higher, The Fewer!

Ambition vs. Aspiration. High and great things, and a desire to get them. Laziness. Grades. Work. Reading class in third grade. Did I aspire to be in the upper level reading class? Come on, I aspired to get to the prize piece of playground equipment first. I already read at a 6th grade level (and was reading at a college level by 7th grade). What do I care what the teacher thinks?

Again, current day. That recent job interview. I decided I didn’t want it, it wasn’t worth it, and I was glad when I didn’t get it….and no one could understand why. Inlaws especially, because they crave money and power. When I told them I didn’t get it, and told them I wasn’t heartbroken, they said with fake sympathy: “Just too much, huh?” with a sad shake of the head.

It made me so mad. Don’t patronize me! Just because your life is lead by the Almighty Dollar and the Hunt of the Great White Power doesn’t mean mine is, dammit!!!

And it just made me think of the 3rd grade teacher again. I never got good grades…..because a) I didn’t give a rats ass what other people wanted of me, and b) because my learning style is hands-on, not lecture-listening. It was the same all though high school and college. Not because I’m lazy or stupid.

I. Do. Not. Care. What. Other. People. Expect. From. Me. One of my friends in college had raised seeing-eye puppies while a teenager. One dog flunked, she told me once, because the evaluator said “Lucky was just too happy doing his own thing.” I guess I fall into that category.

Chores were LOADS of fun in my house, let me tell you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’ve been struggling for a few weeks to finish this third part, but recently a woman named Jenna wrote a post on her blog that seemed to fill in some gaps. It can be found here. I’ll wait whilst you go and read it.

**elevator music**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Done? Good. This story illustrates something to me that few people really seem to want to talk about: really truly finding happy. Right now, we are constantly told we can buy ‘happy.’ Happy is a new MP3 player. Happy is a new(er) car. Happy is restaurant food. Happy is the newest gadget and the most expensive cable package. But as soon as you get something like that, you need to upgrade to the next newest model or better brand.

Kind of sounds like ambition, doesn’t it? Getting fame or power and trying like hell to keep it….

Here is a woman who, at 27, has figured out what makes her happy. It isn't her full-time job. She rents a cabin on a small acreage, has 2 sheep, a goat, several chickens, and two huskies. She wants to farm sheep for wool with two border collies more than anything. She is happy dreaming on her porch, playing her stringed instrument of choice. And for now it is enough.

God. If we could all be so lucky to have figured it out at that age. Can you imagine what our world would be like?

My world is not focused on the job-life anymore. It hasn’t been for a while, even though it took me a while to figure it out and stop fighting it. Sure, I bitch about work, my coworkers, etc. But…that ain’t IT anymore.

On some level, this garden/cooking/doing ‘thing’ that started out as a hobby has grown into something else. I like that I can grow my own food, I like that I know how and keep learning new things. I like that this will support us in a way that may allow us to get rid of our debt sooner by cutting our food bill (hah). I like that we are working on this together. I like that I’m putting a mark on the planet that doesn’t involve destruction. I like this….domestic (ick, is that the right word?)…stuff.

My mom worked full-time until just this past November when she retired at age 66 and has lived a life where everything she wanted/needed was just given to her. She’s had a very sheltered and pampered life. Dad, on the other hand, grew up poor in the south and they scrapped for everything they had. He is perfectly happy not to ever have to do that again.

They really don’t get what I’m doing here or why. Dad really doesn’t get it when I talk about getting chickens. “Chickens….you go ahead and grow what vegetables you want, but don’t get chickens. That’s raw! RAW!” I don’t even know what he means by that. I think they’re totally baffled by my decisions and what we’re doing here.

So, that will wait until Introspectrus, part 4: That Food Thing We’re Doing Here.

Introspectrus, part 2: Ambition, Smambition

When I was in 3rd grade, I was in the lower reading group and we were working on some unit. I got finished first. The teacher yanked me out into the hallway and asked me if I wanted to be moved up to the upper reading group. At that point, I was crying. I was crying because, well come on! Do I really need to explain this? When a teacher yanks you into the hallway, it is because you did Something Really Bad.

TO THIS DAY, no matter what I say, my mother thinks that I was crying because I did not want to be put in the higher reading group. The way the teacher told it to my mom later, I started crying after she asked me. From that day until now, my parents have held the belief that I am lazy/have no ambition.

Let’s look at the definition, shall we?

Ambition: NOUN

-An eager or strong desire to achieve something, such as fame or power.
The object or goal desired: Her ambition is the presidency.
Desire for exertion or activity; energy: had no ambition to go dancing.

Hmmm. Fame and power? Yeah. Not so much.

I’m not good on the front lines. I’m not a soldier. I used to be. (insert flowery piano music while I reminisce). When I was in college I spent a lot of time fighting, I was good at it, and I enjoyed it. As I write this, I remember talking with Jackie about such things and she said that at the ripe old age of 36 she was no longer interested in fighting the fight. Leave it for the younger crew (that would have been me, at the time). She needed to get on with her life, raise her kids, get her educmacashun. I didn’t understand then.

I do now. At the ripe old age of 34.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely fight for some things and will to the end. No discussion. But not in a job. Not anymore. I have learned the hard way that if I work for A Cause, that Cause becomes my life. It envelopes and engulfs me. I get lost in the fight, and I lose myself. Not healthy, not good for a relationship. Not good overall. As much as I’d like to I cannot do it anymore.

It’s like art and crafts for me. Would I like to learn to quilt someday? You bet. Now? No. It would take over the house, the hunt for really cool fabrics and spending money on them, time on piecing, switching things around and then back again, and sewing…sewing….sewing. I have to limit my art/crafts interests to a mere 1-2 things. Hence, jewelry right now. Temari very occasionally.

Anyway, back to the front lines. Not great. I’m much better working in a support capacity. Let someone else have the limelight. I know that they got there because of me. I don’t need the fame. Don’t want the power, because as soon as you have it you worry about keeping it and/or getting more. No, thanks.

So, how about this instead:

Aspiration Noun:
3 a: a strong desire to achieve something high or great b: an object of such desire

So. Ambition vs. Aspiration? Fame/power vs. the desire of something great? Two totally different things, IMHO. Of course I aspire to things. I have desires. Defining that ‘high or great’ thing is where we get stuck. And who considers them high and great is even more of a problem.

Join me for the next installment of Introspectrus, part 3: The Higher, The Fewer!

Introspectrus, part 1: Career Woman?

I took some time off from this blog recently to do some internal thinking and considering. I’m not sure if I”ve come to any conclusions, mainly because I’m not entirely sure what the questions were, but I thought I’d share some of my ponderings and thoughts here over the next few weeks. They may be a bit rambling. Deal.

It’s interesting, as I was going through old 2008 posts the other week while re-tagging them I came across an entry that said we were thinking of expanding the veggie patch 4-fold in the spring, and “let’s see if it actually happens.”

I had to smile, because not only did it happen but we’re almost done. It’s been a lot of work, my back aches…and I was sitting on the pine-chip walk today, in the sun, between the new tomato bed and the new bean bed, and I just smiled. It felt good. I felt good. My back hurts, but I felt good. I think you know what I mean.

I’m an only child, I was raised by two educated people with more-than-average IQs (although sometimes I’m not so sure about that!). I am also an educated person with a more-than-average IQ (not bragging, just saying). I was raised with the expectation that I would go to college. It wasn’t a choice. I did.

I was also raised with the idea that you didn’t go get a job. You had a career. There is a difference. And it is doubly important for women because women with careers get taken more seriously.

I was also very serious since I was very small that I wanted to go into archaeology. I did the joint high school/park service digs on the battlefield (growing up in Gettysburg has its perks), and majored in anthropology once I got to Clarion.

Imagine my shock when I found that I hated it. Most of it anyway. And the professors. I changed out to sociology, which fit better in some ways and not so much in others.

Flash forward 11 years. I’ve been in the same job for all that time. Note the term: job. Not career. Stupid as it sounds, I carried a lot of guilt about that split-hair for a while, being a BHL (Bleeding Heart Liberal) woman with a decent feminist streak. I’m supposed to be moving, working on my career, I said, not staying put at the same desk. But the job I’m in pays extremely well for the area, and I’d have to drive an hour or more into the DC beltway or somewhere else equally distasteful to get another paying the same. I’m 10 minutes away from home right now. So, here I stay.

Besides, my mindset started changing. I don’t believe anymore that corporate life, whatever the field, is right for me. I hate the conformity, the stress. The pressure to perform. I watch all these people scurrying back and forth and can’t help but think that this is NOT the way we humans were meant to live.

Then, last week and opportunity presented itself: a position. On campus. In a different building, different contract. A contract that is starting to be taken VERY seriously. The position looked like it was made for me. I called, got an interview. It went really well, and I am still interested in working there eventually. But. The position is a career-building position with a lot of responsibility, pressure. Only 2 people in the office, and I’d have to put out fires when the boss wasn’t around. Is that what I want?

Short answer: No. Longer answer: Not anymore. 10 years ago? You bet. If the office gets larger and I’m not the go-to person 24/7? You bet. But if I am 50% of the equation usually or 100% occasionally? Not interested.

And that was a difficult decision to come by due to the $20K more/year boost it would give me. Us. The household. We could really use it. Who couldn’t?

But I would be miserable. Is that a worthy tradeoff? $20K = miserable? Feeling sick to your stomach at the thought of going in to work every day?

And now we come back to something that I've talked about before. Ambition. (Stay tuned for Introspectrus, part 2: Ambition, Smambition).

BBC's Booklist

I stole this from Tim. I'm actually surprised at how FEW of these I've read.

The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

Instructions:Look at the list and put an 'x' (I bolded) after those you have read and tally your total at the bottom. Let us know if you really LOVED any of them.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Herper Lee (not complete but some)
6 The Bible (not complete but some, under duress)
7 Wuthering Heights - EmilyBronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwel
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (not complete but several)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams (one of my favorites)
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky (not complete but some)
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (not complete but some)
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert (major favorite)
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (not complete but some)
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno - Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (not complete but some)
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo.

Six random facts about me

Tim tagged me, so here's the scoop. I really don't have anyone to tag, but if YD wants to take this and run, she can be my guest.


Random fact #1

I wanted to be an archaeologist from the time I was 3. I made it through until I was 20 and in college decided to change my major from Anthropology to Sociology. Anthro just seemed to be too voyeuristic. I was raised as a white middle-class female in the most affluent country in the world. You can’t sell me on the possibility of me going to (for example) Papua New Guinea, spending 2 years there and then suddenly proclaiming ‘I understand why they do that!’ Nope. Sorry. Not buying.


Random fact #2

I have a half sister. Somewhere.


Random fact #3

I had 3 of my wisdom teeth removed with only local anesthesia. I was awake for the whole thing. I wouldn’t recommend it, but every time I get scared about something I just say to myself: If I could do that I can do anything.


Random fact #4

I took horseback riding lessons for 6 years when I was a kid. I never really did anything with it. Two interesting things happened, though. I got kicked in the face by a horse once. A car backfired and scared the horse as I was leading it out of the ring and it reared up and his left front hoof caught me on the back swing. One inch higher and it would have taken out my right eye. I was very lucky it didn’t break my cheekbone, but I had only a black eye for a week or so.

Got kicked in the head by a horse. It explains a lot!

I also fell off a horse a few times. The one that still amazes me was the time the horse stopped dead right in front of a jump. I flew over the horses head and landed in front of the horse….in front of the jump…….with the reigns still in my hands…….and…….wait for it……..….I landed on my feet. I wish I had it on tape, it must have been incredibly funny. Then again, Christopher Reeves did the same thing but had another outcome.


Random fact #5

I spent about 3 years of my childhood on rollerskates, at least while I wasn’t at school or in the house. Sometimes in the house, too. I was pretty good at it, and fast. I attribute my leg muscles to that and horseback riding.


Random fact #6

I have a habit of collecting quotes. Right now on my bulletin board at work, I have the following:

Anger blocks intelligence
Superheros are disastrous for humankind. – Frank Herbert 1980
Marshall’s Generalized Iceberg Theorem: 7/8ths of everything can’t be seen
Beware of the left, for they will bankrupt you; beware of the right, for they will kill you.
When people start looking for the perfect life they end up miserable.

I swiped this from another blog....it's a meme:

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you. Or, if you don't want to post it, but want a memory from me, say so at the end of your comment and I'll reply with one. But consider posting. It's fun to see what comes up.