Aging

I turn 39 this year.  This post isn’t about feeling old, getting old, etc.  I don’t think 39 is old, though I know a lot of people who do.  They can go stuff it.  

I am starting to physically feel achy in places, I’m not as flexible as I once was (working on this), and I notice my memory is going a bit but I chalk that up to job stress.  My metabolism has obviously slowed down.  I didn’t think I’d have a 23yo body all my life.  I think people who don’t want to age or don’t think they will age are idiots, sorry, but what did you think was going to happen??  

This post is more about responsibility as I age, because this is what I’m having the most trouble with.  My parents are 75 and 71 now.  I’m a (mostly) only child, and I do live near them, about 20 minutes away.  Their house is IMHO too big for them and the upkeep has become more of an issue over the past 5 years or so and property taxes keep going up.  Dad would love to move, and I support that, but Mom doesn’t want to move, so they are not moving.

For years, I’ve wanted to move to another part of the country.  There are many reasons for this:

• People in this part of the country are selfish, mean, abrasive, and hard to get along with, 
• I just get bored easily and moving seems like a way to keep things interesting, 
•  Other parts of the country are beautiful and I’d like to experience them for more than a few days at a time, 
• Well, why not move? 

But that hasn’t happened, for several reasons.  Right now the main reason is I don’t want to leave my aging parents alone as they age and I’ll be frank here:  this is a bit smothering for me.  Most everyone might not understand that, but I wasn’t raised with a strong sense of family.  The sense of familial obligation is alien to me, yet I feel this strong push that I should stay here because that is what everyone expects of me.

I hate this feeling.  I feel like I'm being selfish, yet I feel I only have one shot at this life and, dammit, I should be able to live it as I want to, or as close as possible.  But here I am, here I seem to remain. 

(I think I’m going to start adding theme songs to my posts for kicks and giggles.  This post’s theme song is Jack Johnson’s Home). 

2013, Part 2

Family:  In July, my long-lost older sister came out to visit with her daughter.  For those of you who missed the whole story, I did post about it back when it happened…but here’s the nutshell:   my father had a daughter through his first marriage, but after his ex remarried and moved across the country, they lost touch.  40 years later, I got a message from her on Facebook, can you believe it, and she had for all this time thought she was an only child.  I had known about her, but she didn’t know about me.  It’s like Jerry Springer without the chair throwing.

So we invited her to come out for dad’s 75^th birthday, and she did!  The closer the time got, the more nervous we all were.  Was this a good idea?  Was this going to work out?  Was this REALLY a good idea???  

But it was!  Everything worked out swimmingly.  Dad was sooooo excited.  My sister is deaf and while we were worried about communications problems, there were really none to be had.  She could read lips well enough (especially if you slowed down and enunciated well) and Crystal was there to translate if need be.  

And….to be honest….it was really weird.  I mean, yes I have a sister and yes, it is nice to know I have more family.  But we spent nearly 40 years not knowing each other and the relationship people just assume we’d pick up, well, we never had a sibling relationship in the first place, so what’s to pick up?  It is odd and hard to explain.  

Work:  The day job has gone very well this year.  The office has been successful, our numbers of subscribers is growing each month, and we are making headway into agency and association partnerships more and more.  

It is starting to get boring, however, finding 4 topics to write a newsletter about every single week.  Somehow I get it done though.  Somewhere about April I hit my stride and it wasn’t a struggle anymore.  I can take a topic and write on it after a bit of research and it’s good to go.  That switch took quite a load off my mind, now I know I can come right up to the deadline and not be too freaked out if the newsletter isn’t done.

Back in February, I wrote on a topic that is becoming an issue in states where pot has been legalized.  It, um, er, got picked up by nationwide media and my agency’s external affairs office had a cow.  A big, fat, loud mooing cow.  I see it as good publicity (and how often does this particular agency get good publicity, eh?) but they didn’t like that their name was mentioned in the same sentence as “marijuana.”  Too damn bad. 

The government shut down for nearly 3 weeks in October and I was on unemployment.  It wasn’t that bad.  The vacation we had scheduled happened to fall during that time.  My company acted like a bunch of ninnys and terminated us all, paid us out all our vacation, and if the shutdown had lasted after 10/31 we would have been without health insurance.  They claim they thought we wouldn’t be eligible for unemployment unless we were terminated.  I think they did it so they wouldn’t have to pay our benefits.  

My small jewelry business is still going, slowly but steadily.  It is mostly a hobby business, and I’m not making as much as I was, but I do occasionally pop out some earrings, a pendant, or whatever and list it.  I’ve actually been crocheting more than jewelry making, but I’m not selling that.

Various other things:  Matt bought a portable sawmill this year.  This has been an ongoing plan, but he actually did it, it is on the property, and he has used it.  Right now, though, it won’t run.  He’s in the process of “fixing” it, and has been for, um, 4 weeks.  I’d rather not talk about it.

2013: A Year Happily Behind Me

Dog:  In November 2012, we had our 13yo yorkie Max put down.  He’d been headed steadily downhill all year, he’d lost his sight in his good eye, gotten feeble, and on that particular day he’d fallen.  By chance, my husband was home from work and he called me like 3 times, panicked and unwilling/unable to make that final decision (poor dear), and I finally made it.  I told Matt to call the vet and tell them we were bringing Max in to be put down (Matt did), and I headed home from work to deal with the crisis.

I drove to the vet and back because I knew Matt really wasn’t up to it.  When the vet techs warned us it happened fast, I had no idea it happened *that* fast.  Holy cow.  He was there, then his eyes just went vacant.  That was the only time I’ve seen Matt cry.  We had originally for years talked about burying Max in the yard, but Matt just couldn’t do it and we left him for the vet to manage.  We got a paw print card and some fur in a card from the vet a week later.

Around that same time in November somewhere near Greenville, SC, a puppy was born.  This puppy was destined to wind up in a shelter, get rescued by a group who brings dogs from southern high-kill shelters north, and eventually this puppy wound up meeting us at a rescue event I Shanghaied Matt to in early March 2013.  Tillman, a (we think) beagle dachshund mix, came home with us the end of March.  He is higher-energy than Max was, but has a stronger pack mentality and just adores being with us.  He housetrained quickly, but in other training he is stubborn (all-hound) and we have a hard time keeping his attention.

Tillman broke his front left leg in early June.  It required surgery, and now he has 5 pins in it.  We’d had him at a kennel for a play-day while I had an outpatient procedure done (see Health, below) so that gee, maybe I could have some relaxation time after my procedure.  But no.  We had to run all over hell and back that day, me to the hospital, Matt to take Till to our regular vet, and then both of us down to Annapolis Fucking Junction (almost 2 hours away) to the Doggy Orthopedic Surgeon for the surgery.

Between the cost of this surgery and the cost of Max’s eye surgery 5 years ago, I could have paid off half my student loan.  I can’t tell you how stressful that time was for Matt and I, financially and otherwise.  We had to take Till to the (nearby) vet nearly every week for almost 6 weeks due to his growth and needing the cast redone, the bandages changed, the stitches removed or cleaned, etc.  Then, after he’d healed, he developed mange and we had to go to get him dipped 3 times.  Oy.

We are happy with Tillman.  He is closer to us that Max was in many ways.  Max was a great first dog for me.  Tillman is much more hound and therefore much wilder, I think, than that spunky little terrier was.  Tillman is also lovier, if that is possible. 

Health:  In May, we took Tillman to Rehoboth Beach, DE, (see Vacations, below) to a dog-friendly B&B.  While there, I got sick.  I had diarrhea, which is not usually my problem.  I have existing GI problems but they are all stomach-related, not lower GI.  I didn’t get off the toilet for an hour, let’s just leave it at that.  I did throw up once.

After we decided I was stable, we headed home.  We were leaving that morning anyway and I wanted to get going on the 3+ hour trip.  I started out feeling fine, but the closer to home we got, the worse I felt.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, though, it wasn’t nausea, it was just….weird.  

I got home, we all three took naps.  I woke up a few hours later and threw up blood.  Looked like coffee grounds.  I wasn’t positive that’s what it was, but I made an apt with the doc the next day and she confirmed it.  She told me if I had continued to throw up blood I should have gone to the ER because I could have bled out and died.  She said the most likely cause was that I busted a blood vessel when I threw up at the B&B and was bleeding into my stomach from that. 

However, she treated me like I might have a bleeding ulcer.  I was on a soft, bland diet for weeks and on a chalky gunk that was supposed to coat my stomach to protect it but actually made me feel oogy.  Between that, being sick, and being scared to eat anything at all in case I scratched whatever was bleeding back open, I lost 15lb.  I saw my GI Specialist, got an endoscopy (the day Tillman broke his leg), was told I didn’t have a bleeding ulcer but he couldn’t see any reason for my bleeding, so it was probably something minor that had already healed.

I do have Barrett’s Esophagus, though.  (“Well, give it back!”)  It is a pre-cancerous condition I had before (undiagnosed) when I was not medicated for my acid for 9 years.  My doc doubled up my Prilosec prescription.  He also told me I’m not to eat after 6pm, I can’t have caffeine, alcohol, citrus, tomatoes, large meals, etc.  I am supposed to eat 4-5 small meals during the day.  

I’m doing some but not all of this.  I really want to get off the Prilosec as it has some unfortunate long-term deficiencies in several minerals and vitamins.  My bloodwork doesn’t show these, thank goodness, but I still want….need to know if I can manage my acid and hiatal hernia without major medication.  

So, I am trying a variety alternatives (MSM, aloe juice, Bromelain enzymes) to see if I can manage it while at the same time weaning myself off the Prilosec.  It seems you have worse issues if you stop cold turkey.  By the end of 2013, I am at about a half dosage, roughly 10mg morning and night, and not seeing any acid problems.  

I also go for a second opinion at the end of January 2014, as I have a lot of questions and don’t want to go back to my current GI for a variety of reasons….one being the 2^nd opinion guy sounds like he will work with you on alternate plans, diet guidance, etc.  Stay tuned.

Garage:  Not much happened here, which is a huge bone of contention with me.  It has been nearly 3.5 years since we tore down the old garage.  The new one is up, no siding, doors and windows are in, roof is on.  I can’t park the car in it.  It is full of stuff (stacks and stacks of cut wood, our kayaks, a couple pieces of furniture, tools, etc, etc).  

We have hired someone who is currently out of work but has oodles of construction experience to do work for us, and that should be starting soon.  

Vacations:May is off-season for Delaware and we’d had good luck with off-season trips there before so we went for it.  This time wasn’t a good weather weekend.  It was cold, windy, and rainy.  Tillman LOVED the beach, though, and we both had a great time.

Matt and I also took a week+ and drove down to Georgia and back to visit with family, see the sights, and try to figure out if Tennessee or North Carolina would be nice to move to.  TN, no (except for the fried chicken we had).  NC, you beccha.

The Return of the Jod-I

It's been quite a while since I've posted here.  Almost 2 years!  I've been wanting to start up again for a while.  I think it would be cathartic for me to blog.  

The problem is that the main part of my day job is to write a weekly newsletter and the last thing I want to do when I get home is write EVEN MORE.  However, I think I can manage since it will help keep me sane and my tens of thousands of fans entertained.

I will be posting a loooong general 2013 review, since a lot has happened, and try to keep posting a couple times a week or so from then on.  As a teaser, we have dog news, health news, a sister visit, and garage/sawmill news.  You won't want to miss it!

BLUF

First, a story.  About a year ago, I received an email at work with some important information.  The email started out like this:

BLUF: (some important bit of administrivia here).

I had never seen the acronym BLUF, so of course I Googled it.  The first hit on Yahoo was for the Wikipedia page that explained to me that BLUF was a military term that meant Bottom Line Up Front.  Makes sense.

The second hit from Yahoo told me that it also stood for the Breeches and Leather Uniform Fanclub.  BLUF is a club for men who enjoy wearing breeches and leather uniforms, it told me.  Suffice it to say, I did NOT go to the website on a government computer.  Ahem.

However, knowing that the guy that sent me the email was a big, muscle-bound, motorcycle ridin', tattoo-sportin' kinda dude, I decided to raz him a bit. 

"Breaches & Leather Uniform Fanclub???????"  I wrote back.
"Bottom Line Up Front," he replied.  Then he said: "However, I wouldn't be opposed to such a club.  :)"
"Maybe you should check out the membership before you say something like that," was my reply.

Time passed.  Then:

"OMG!!!!!!!  I'm never using that acronym again!!!"

I will therefore never forget what BLUF stands for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I will go into details when I have more time to write, but BLUF is that I am flying the office solo this week and things are going swimmingly.  People have come into the office that NEVER came into the office because Alan was there. Also, Alan has called twice.  Yup. I'm also very impressed with the new company, math test not withstanding. 

One Week Left

Here's what I know.  I officially know that our office has been rolled under the existing Chenega contract.  There are two positions in the office, which is good.  One is an information analyst/techno-geek position, which is basically mine after I go through the pro forma application/hiring process.  My boss "Alan" was, apparently, not even being considered for the position.  He doesn't know this and basically gave me permission to apply.  I'm not going to comment at this time about that little fact.

The other position is a data entry person, which is up in the air.  If they hire someone from off-campus, we are looking at a possible 4-6 month time lag due to the insane amount of time it takes for the Fed-E-Ral Gubment to make their way though the background check required for someone to work on campus.  Ahem.  Which is why all the contractors on campus seem to be doing a round-robin type of contract-hopping because the managers don't want to hire off campus, and I can't say I blame them.

I have made contact with the manager and applied, but I won't be meeting with her until at least Monday, which gives Chenega one whole week to do the paperwork, etc, to hire me.  She told me on the phone that she was told by K, the fed, that I "had walked in, cleaned house, and worked circles around everyone."  I think I said "wow" after a pause.  K is not one to give praise much, so hearing that meant a lot.  I knew he was happy with my work, but I hadn't realized he thought all that.  

He's also told me if I don't take the position he will hunt me down and kill all my chickens.  He asked me "You.....ARE planning on applying, right?  RIGHT??"  and I said to him, "Gosh, I just don't KNOW!  I mean, the position description says I need to know fractions!  FRACTIONS!!!  What will I *do*??"  He just looked at me over his reading glasses and told me I was giving him gray hair.  :D

In the meantime, I found out that he will be at a conference in Phoenix the first week of the new contract.  This is giving us both heartburn since it means I will be basically running the show all by my lonesome for the first week, assuming I will be hired on by the end of the month.  If I'm not, it looks as though I will be cross training another fed to do what I do in the event that it is needed. 

And then there is the question about my boss.  He still doesn't have another job lined up and he'll be out of work in a week.  Even though I know all this isn't my fault, and I know I am not responsible for our budget being cut (all over the government, not just us), and I know I tried to make him see the light about which way the parade was going, and I know he doesn't have the computer skills or the ability or desire to learn them, I still feel a more than a bit responsible for him being ousted.  I know this shows I have a conscious and that's a good thing.  If I truly didn't care I would be more concerned.  If I felt vindicated and happy about it I would be horrified. 

I also made the very difficult decision to go ahead and have a phone exit interview with the HR people and tell them about the questions about my marital status and motherhood status during and after the initial job interviews.  Even though I decided not to do anything about it, they need to know he does these things if they ever consider him for a management job (or any job, for that matter) again, because he is a HUGE liability for them and I want them to know it.

This has been a really emotional and stressful past few months.  Matt has been hanging in there really well, he's been incredibly supportive of me during this time and forgiving of my short fuse and mood swings.  I know going forward some of the stress will be alleviated, but some will be transferred to other areas, like OMG I'm going to pretty much be on-call 52 weeks a year 6am-10pm.  I'm going to have to hob-nob with some bigwigs.  I'm going to have to smooth over some of the relationships that Alan soured. 

I told someone recently that when I get worried about unknowns in the future, I try to look at it as and exiting new thing I get to learn.  I've been referring to it as my Golden Retriever Suit.  Like OH BOY!!  SOMETHING NEW!!!  MY FAVORITE!!!  So, I'm working on the Golden Retriever way of life right now.