9/11, part 1

So, I've decided to start writing down my memories of 9/11, because I think it will be good for me. I still get very emotional about it and I hope by getting it down on 'paper' it will help me purge some of the emotional crap I've been cultivating.

I work as a contractor for the US Fire Administration (USFA) at the National Emergency Training Center (NETC). This is a branch of FEMA. Our purpose is to bring in and train state, local, federal, and military fire officers and emergency managers on how to handle certain things, like mass casualty incidents, hazmat incidents, EMS departments, etc. We train for management, not 'how to hold a fire hose.' Students come for classes that are 1 or 2 weeks and then go home, so we have a new batch of students every 2 weeks. I work at the library, which is the largest disaster and fire specialty library in the world. We had a staff at that time of 12 contractors and 1 federal officer.

Tuesday started out, just as many others have said, as any other Tuesday would start. Three of our people work the late shift on Tuesdays and were due in at noon. A little before 9am, one of them called to say that a plane had hit one of the WTC towers and that we should turn on the TV. My desk was located as such that I could hear most conversations in the LRC, so I heard: "What? WHAT?!" About this time the second plane had hit and I heard: "WHAT?!!!! OH MY GOD!" And I headed downstairs to find out what the hell was going on. My coworker, turned the TV on about the time I got downstairs and of course it was all over CNN. We got to see the first replay of the 2nd plane hitting. Until then, we thought it was a small plane, like a Cessna.

Our federal person came out of her office to tell us and saw that we already knew and were watching. She went back in her office. We were all around the TV now, we just couldn't believe it. I went to the extra phone and called my mom, who also works on campus, to let her know. I also called my husband on his cell, and another friend who lives north of Pittsburgh. She tells me to this day she will never forget that call.

Our federal person wandered back out of her office and we all talked a bit about how this can not possibly be an accident. More later...

The Asian in me...

So, I am starting to work through my anger, fear, depression, anxiety, and all the rest of the shit, and I come across some teachings from Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk living in France. He has several books, one I have (Anger) and one is on my short list. Anyway, this is all very interesting to me, and I think that it may help.

September books

Yah September!

Rediscovery by Marion Zimmer Bradley (Darkover series)
Seventh Son by Orson Scott Card (Alvin Maker series)
Red Prophet by Orson Scott Card (Alvin Maker series)
Traitor's Sun by Marion Zimmer Bradley (Darkover series)
Dead Men's Hearts by Aaron Elkins

Book list - August 2005

I've been thinking recently of starting a reading list of books I've read and when I've read them. Boring, I know, but I sometimes think of a book I liked and can't remember author/title/etc. So here goes:

August 2005

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
Paying the Piper by Sharyn McCrumb
Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb
To the Nines by Janet Evanovich
Hot Six by Janet Evanovich
High Five by Janet Evanovich

More on the plate...

Matt witnessed a fatal accident with a pedestrian PennDOT worker 4 years ago. He was called to testify in the preliminary hearing, and we both went. The widow was there, she had been pregnant when her husband was killed. The man who killed him is a Mennonite. He had been driving an old U-haul truck and had a suspended license. He had, apparently, done something similar to this before, had had his license revoked, and was awaiting trial for the previous incident when he hit this man and popped him like a water balloon.

The wife of the defendant sat next to me during the preliminary hearing and read a tractor manual.

We were told at the preliminary hearing that there were no laws on Pennsylvania books to cover the crime this man had committed and that he probably wouldn't get any time for it. And we were never called to go testify at a trial, so I'm guessing he plea bargained.

This was 4 years ago. This was the Monday after Matt and I got back from our honeymoon. This was within 1 week of our wedding. What a nice thing to come home to.

Now, over 4 years later, Matt gets served with a supeona to give a deposition in the civil case. We are guessing the widow filed a wrongful death suit. So, this Monday Matt & I are headed to Lancaster. I will be going for moral support (and to get off work and give me a 4-day weekend).

J

Today or Temari

I have started to get back in to my temari hobby. I signed up for a temari-exchange on the email group I'm on, so that should be fun. Also, I'm thinking of doing a quick temari and entering it in the county fall festival to be judged. They probably won't know what to do with it. :) I always find that ammusing.

Realizations

Ok, my last post for the day. Really.

It is something special when you realize that life is not something that just happens to you. Sometimes things do just happen (accidents, death, etc), but not all.

I have a choice whether I stay in this relationship or decide to try for greener pastures.
I have a choice of how I act or react to things that come my way, including people.
I have a choice to go home tonight or stay somewhere else.
I have a choice to stay in my hole or crawl out of it.
I have a choice to sleep with my husband tonight or in the other room.
I have a choice to stay in a dead-end job or find a more promising path.
I have a choice to cry or not.
I have a choice to call him or not.
I have a choice to lie or tell the truth.
I have a choice to believe him or not.
I have a choice to accept his explainations or not.
I have a choice to view myself as better than this.
I have a choice to view myself as worth more than this.
I have a choice to give him a choice or not.
I have a choice to let him decide. Or not.

No one ever said life was fair. Or always sweetness and light.

Expelliramus!!

I've spent the past couple hours thinking about divorce, separation, and such. I've read a great article on Walkaway Wives, about women who have become disenfranchised with their marriage and stop trying to make it better once they decide it's not worth making better, at which point the husbands decide everything's ok. It's not, and they are very surprised when she announces she's going for a divorce. I'm working into that cycle very very well. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I haven't been thinking about divorce just because of his friend coming down, I've been thinking about it because I think we have two very different views on serious relationships and I don't know if we can find some middle ground. I have told him in the past I need more from him that what he's giving me, and I don't think he is able to give it.

J

My husband has a friend coming to visit the end of September. It is a female friend, they have never met in person. They have known each other for 10 years. We've known each other for 7 and been married 4. This female friend has a crush on him. I am 'not allowed' to meet her the first time he sees her. But I will be 'allowed' after that, depending on what her plans are about how long she's going to be in town, which we think will be a night, maybe two.

I am making myself sick over this. I am unable to do my work this morning because I just keep going through a feedback loop on it. I can not think of anything else. I know it's silly, there is nothing I can do about it right now. I intend to ask for a compromise, that we all three get together for coffee after he takes her out to dinner or for brunch the next day. I have a hunch the answer will still be 'no.' I'm not sure what to do then.

The unknown in this is killing me. On one hand, I don't really think he would have an affair at all and not with her. On the other hand, she has a crush on him. He also recently told me that if I wanted to sleep with another man that was ok if it was "something I felt I needed to do." It is not ok with me, and I told him that I was not going to give him the OK to do the same, if he 'felt he needed to.' If he had an affair, I would leave him, period. Amazingly, I feel better writing about this. Who woulda thunk it!

I would that this friend, Kathy, and I would be friends. Not best friends, but that she and I could meet and get to know each other. I am happy that my husband has such a close friend and can talk to someone. I don't like it that he keeps it so compartmentalized from me. He doesn't seem to understand that when one gets married that we both loose some freedoms. I don't keep my friends from him, but he keeps his friends and I isolated from each other. This is a part of his live that has a 'Wives not allowed' sign on it. That is the problem. Now, what to do about it...

J

Trials & troubles

My husband has a friend coming to visit the end of September. It is a female friend, they have never met in person. They have known each other for 10 years. We've known each other for 7 and been married 4. This female friend has a crush on him. I am 'not allowed' to meet her the first time he sees her. But I will be 'allowed' after that, depending on what her plans are about how long she's going to be in town, which we think will be a night, maybe two.

I am making myself sick over this. I am unable to do my work this morning because I just keep going through a feedback loop on it. I can not think of anything else. I know it's silly, there is nothing I can do about it right now. I intend to ask for a compromise, that we all three get together for coffee after he takes her out to dinner or for brunch the next day. I have a hunch the answer will still be 'no.' I'm not sure what to do then.

The unknown in this is killing me. On one hand, I don't really think he would have an affair at all and not with her. On the other hand, she has a crush on him. He also recently told me that if I wanted to sleep with another man that was ok if it was "something I felt I needed to do." It is not ok with me, and I told him that I was not going to give him the OK to do the same, if he 'felt he needed to.' If he had an affair, I would leave him, period. Amazingly, I feel better writing about this. Who woulda thunk it!

I would that this friend, Kathy, and I would be friends. Not best friends, but that she and I could meet and get to know each other. I am happy that my husband has such a close friend and can talk to someone. I don't like it that he keeps it so compartmentalized from me. He doesn't seem to understand that when one gets married that we both loose some freedoms. I don't keep my friends from him, but he keeps his friends and I isolated from each other. This is a part of his live that has a 'Wives not allowed' sign on it. That is the problem. Now, what to do about it...

J

I'm baaaaack

It's been a while since I posted on this thing. Nothing really new is going on. Recently found out that the branch of govt. I work for will be moving from FEMA to Office of Domestic Preparedness, which seems ominous to me but on paper seems like a better fit, so we'll see.

My good buddy Tim will be visiting the beginning of September, and my husband's good buddy, Kathy, will be visiting the end of September. We were planning on visiting the Binghampton, NY, area this weekend but decided to wait until fall.

My garden grows well but, unfortunately, the weeds grow well, too. My garlic is all harvested, I did very well with the 'Siberian' variety and had a head of garlic that was as big around as my ankle. :)

Love sucks. I mean, really. God how it sucks.

So, my hooband has been talking online with a woman. This is not a new thing, they have been friends for longer than I've known him. She's on the other side of the continent, in another country. I went through the Omigod He's Leaving Me shit and got it over with. My issue now is that he spends more time talking to her than he does to me.

Which isn't exactly true, but it feels that way sometimes and feels good to say it. I've had nightmares about her two mornings in a row now, and this is pathetic. Just so stupid and embarassing to admit and pathetic. But they have made me feel really shitty and I had to get it off my back.

Now, you know what happened next. I did the stupid stupid thing and told him about it and we got into a big fight this morning. *sigh* I knew better, too. I really did. I just couldn't not tell him. I cried hard, too, a big sobby cry (I needed to, I have a crying phobia) and he (being male) thought I was crying about the stupid dreams and not because of feeling somewhat abandoned in our relationship. I mean, it's not like we haven't talked about it before. He thought I was crying over what happened in a brain-induced stupid dream? Come on. I thought he was smarter than that (oh yeah, he's male. Nevermind).

So this has been on my mind all morning, and I've been having Aha! moments and such. I never had affection from my father, so I am doubly needy for it now - and I'm not getting it. I used to get affection from hooband, but not so much now. Not to mention my father has been in the hospital lately, so I am really need now. I can't understand why hooband can't see that, Mr. Amatuer Psychologist. Gimme a break.

I'm getting especially tired of hooband's constant posturing. We're at the gym walking the track, and we pass a guy at a punching bag doing his thing. I don't think he even glanced at us, but when we're past hooband says to me: "Did you see him look at me and (he makes a puffed-up toughguy man face) go back to it harder?" No, dumbass, I didn't because I'm here doing my own thing and so is he. And I told him I didn't care what the other guy did, it doesn't affect me. He is one of the most insecure men I've ever met, and that is saying a LOT.

Once before, I needed him to spot for me doing some bench presses. And here I am on this damned bench struggling with a weight, and I look up at my dutiful spotter, who is singing and dancing a little to the music playing and looking to see if any of the big, macho guys there are looking at him spotting for his weightlifter wife. I had to call his name *3 damn times* before he looked down to see if I needed him. I was so angry. I have never asked him to spot for me again, and I never will.

I feel, and I have always felt, he is to interested in his own self interests to be with me. I don't know what this means for our future. I'm kind of sick about it.

That's what I want...It's what I want...

So our bank account is overdrawn. Again. AGAIN. I can't figure out how we keep doing this. I mean, I swear to god it's like we hemorrhage the stuff. How do we do this EVERY DAMN TIME? I'm trying SO HARD to make all this work, pay off the things we need to pay off, save for the things we need and want to save for and I just can't seem to get it all right. I feel like shit, every time, and I don't know how to break the cycle.

It's time to let her go

The US Supreme Court has just denied Terri Shiavo's parents request to have her feeding tube reinserted. I couldn't be more happy for Terri and her husband. Her wishes are finally being heard.

The fact that the US Congress can step in and try to direct one American life the way they did last week should scare the hell out of everyone in this country. We are no longer able to direct our own lives, people. Big Brother is a reality.

The fact that not one but two FEDERAL courts did not follow the course Congress took but upheld the LAW should tell us something: Congress doesn't care about constitutional law anymore. We need judges in places of power that are not swayed by politics, but do follow the letter of what the law states. We need this type of Checks & Balances, right now especially, to keep our so-called lawmakers and executive branch in line. If the Bush Administration has its way, this will no longer be a reality.

And, finally, to all you Lifers out there: keep trying to break into the hospice center to bring her bottled water. You'll just drown her, you idiots. Then her death will be on your hands.

Either way, Terri's final wishes will have been granted. See you on the flip side, and keep YOUR personal wishes off MY body.

In other words, you want to be hooked up to a machine that lives for you, be my guest. I'd rather to on to the next one. Thanks, see ya.

"He said he thought I was an angel"

A man on trial for rape overcame the officer watching him, shot and killed the judge presiding over his trial, shot and killed the court reporter, shot and killed a deputy, almost killed the reporter whose car he hijacked, and later killed an immigration officer.

The day before, he was found to have two homemade knives that he smuggled into the court in his shoes.

Now, the question running through the media is how can you have a person on trial for a brutal rape NOT handcuffed and in the presence of one female officer? Especially the day after he smuggled two blades into the court? Hello?? Does anyone in Atlanta have a brain?

It turns out the answer is a resounding yes. I am not a Christian, I don't believe in miracles. I do believe we are directed to certain places for certain reasons at certain times. The trick is to have enough intelligence to recognize it when it happens.

Ashley Smith did just that. If Nicholls had run into anyone else in that city, he and many other people would be dead right now. Somehow, Ashley knew what to do. I don't know how. I couldn't have done what she did, I don't think. What an amazing turn of events.

I do not condone what he did, I do not try to defend his murders, and I sympathize with the families of the slain. However, who could have thought this monster had a human face?

If you haven't, please read the transcript or view the video of her first-person account of what happened while she was a 'hostage.' They currently have it on CNN.

Back to the grindstone

I'm considering going back to school. The thought scares the shit out of me. This is graduate school, for gods sake.

I have been looking for a great program for years and I think I may have finally found one. UNC-Greensboro has a great Master of Arts in Liberal Studies that is fully online. The classes look facinating, and I'm planning on taking a class this summer online to see if I like it, and maybe another in the Fall, for the same reason. You can only take 3 classes from them before you have to enroll in the program. Ugh. I hate making decisions like that.

The thing is I have a BA in Sociology right now, and it's more and more feeling like a "do you want fries with that?" degree. Why whould I want a "do you want fries with that?" Masters as well?

On the other hand, I have a friend who has a BA in something, an MA in Russian, an MA in Anthropology and most of an MA in History, AND she's currently going back for another BA in Psychology. There is nothing saying this is the only MA I can ever get, and it is a good stepping stone off to other things. Many of the jobs I've looked at require a masters, but don't really care what it's in.

If I take 3 graduate credits per semester I'm considered half-time and my undergraduate loans can be defered, which means more money to put towards more important bills with higher interest rates. Matt's loans will be paid off within the year, too. I don't see how this is a bad idea. Except that I might hate it, but I'm gonna give it a whirl anyway.

Waiting for weights

Matt and I purchased a membership at the local university athletic facility. It was $200 less than the local YWCA and god knows how much less expensive than the local Gold's Gym. I've been twice so far, Matt's gone three times. Our plan is 2-3 times/week. So far so good!

I'm looking into doing weight training. With free weights, of course, not sissy machines. Matt does sissy machines. I found a fabulous website for women interested in weight training: www.stumptuous.com/weights.html Great information a real human female can use, and it's funny. I want to get my metabolism up, my weight down, my strength up, my BMI at a better range, etc etc etc, and the way to do it is through weight training. It helps a lot that I LOVE LIFTING WEIGHTS. I woke up sore the next day, but I slept better than I have in months and felt better than I had in years. You can't beat it.

Matt and I had a big fight on Valentines Day and then somehow worked everything out and have come to some sort of understanding that we haven't had before. It's odd. I think we got real serious about some things and talkec (actually TALKED) about them at length and explained where we were coming from to the other, and we understood (actually UNDERSTOOD!!!) it all. And LISTENED!!! It was refreshing and scary at the same time. Hope it lasts.

The Big 3-0

Well, now. I a little over 2 weeks I turn 30. I know, I know. Really, though, this is not a big deal to me. No, seriously. It's just another year, just another day. Just another reminder that I'm not getting any younger and my face will soon start to wrinkle and my EYESIGHT WILL BE SHOT TO HELL AND I WILL HAVE TO FIGHT HARDER AND HARDER AGAINST ANOTHER FIVE POUNDS AND BUNIONS! I'M GOING TO GET BUNIONS FOR GODS SAKE! BUNIONS!!

Ok. So it's just another year.

Seriously, though, there is one thing that made me say, "Oh. Hang on a minute." My direct female line on my mom's side doesn't have a good track record when it comes to health. My grandmother had a stroke at age 59 and a heart attack at age 60, which killed her. My mother had a heart attack at age 59 (and nothing at age 60, thank god. She is a health 62 now).

Being the third in line to inherit this is unsettling at best and scary at worst. I haven't exactly been excercising like I should, or eating like I should. To think that if I don't really start changing my lifestyle I could end up with the same thing happening to me in 30 years......30 years! But wait! That's how long I've been alive.

That means if I don't change my ways I am...right now...at this point.... half way through my life.

Whoa.

Half way? How can that be! Holy shit. I can't be on the downward swing already, can I?

But here I am, my family's health history staring me in the eye as it winds the clock.

Talk about a kick in the head.

Time to do something about it. More than time to do something about it.....

I think the groundhog was delirious

Right now it is about 60 outside. I have my window open behind my desk. Firefighters are frolicking on the lawn. What a strange winter! I can't remember a winter like this, not for a looong time.

So, my christian wacko nut friend I wrote about last time. Well, I sent her a nice message basically telling her not to send me things like that anymore. I told her that as a non-christian it really makes me angry that someone is ignoring my right to my beliefs and is telling me in no uncertain terms they don't matter. I said I usually wind up focusing my anger on the people who send me emails like that, in this case her, and I really don't want to be mad at her because I consider her a friend. 3 days later I got a reply: Sorry. That's all, just 'Sorry.' I'm not sure what to think, but I haven't gotten any junk like that from her since.

I did run into her, we shot the shit and went our separate ways. Nothing exciting, we didn't wrestle each other to the ground. Hmmmm.

So, I recently found out that a long time e-friend of my husband has a major crush on him. He was surprised, the oaf. I could have told him she had the hots for him. I remain unsurprised. From what he has told me, she is acting extremly juvenile (she's 32). I mean, this is mickey mouse stuff. It is amusing, if sad....

Goodbye to a friend?

So, I have this friend...

My friend is a right-wing-conservative born-again christian. She likes to send lots of email around like prayer requests and prayer circles. Sometimes she sends out propaganda emails, basically going on about how the US is a christian nation and condemning non-christians, many of these emails end up telling non-christians to shut up and sit down.

I get very very angry from these emails and debate every time I get one as to whether or not I will respond. I know that what I have to say to her will probably end our friendship: I am a practicing pagan. I know from past experience that this news will terrify her, which is not my intent. Added bonus.

Anyway, I really don't know if I should email her back or not. For some reason I always back down. On one hand, I'm not going to change her mind, nothing I do or say will make her think differently. She is full of fear, you can see it in her eyes when she speaks of people who 'don't believe.' It's almost animalistic. It can be frightening. Fear leads to hate and anger. I don't want to be hated by her for not believing in the 'same' god. I have always felt that kind of hate was so childish. Like, "my god is better than yours is, neener neener neener."

I sometimes wonder if I don't reply to her emails because of fear, not necissarily of her but of what she might do, but what on earth could she do? Pray for me?? Whopee shit. I that's what she needs to do to get through the thought that her friend of 5+ years has been a filthy heathen...well, it could be worse. She could burn me at the stake.

As it is now, I think I will tell her to stop sending me emails that say things like that because, as a non-christian myself, I take great umbridge at being told to sit down and shut up in a country that was founded on the basis of freedom of religion. I plan on telling her these emails make me very angry, and the anger is usually directed at her and, as I consider her a friend, I don't want to direct anger at her.

And I'm going to be seeing her in a couple weeks. If she responds very negativly to my non-christian status, I will suggest she can tell me to sit down and shut up when she sees me.

Peace.

Once upon a time, late last week...

About this time last year I was wondering what the hell a 'blog' was. Silly me. I used to be so up on the current trends in internet stuff having had a crash course in it 12 years ago. We were one of the first high schools to get wired, thanks to Gettysburg College, and I was in an html training course (again, thanks GC) before the college I actually attended was giving their students email addresses. So I was up on the current trends, hip to the internet stuff, creating web pages until my fingers bled.

And then I didn't give a shit.

So here I am. I think this should be fun.