Ok, my last post for the day. Really.
It is something special when you realize that life is not something that just happens to you. Sometimes things do just happen (accidents, death, etc), but not all.
I have a choice whether I stay in this relationship or decide to try for greener pastures.
I have a choice of how I act or react to things that come my way, including people.
I have a choice to go home tonight or stay somewhere else.
I have a choice to stay in my hole or crawl out of it.
I have a choice to sleep with my husband tonight or in the other room.
I have a choice to stay in a dead-end job or find a more promising path.
I have a choice to cry or not.
I have a choice to call him or not.
I have a choice to lie or tell the truth.
I have a choice to believe him or not.
I have a choice to accept his explainations or not.
I have a choice to view myself as better than this.
I have a choice to view myself as worth more than this.
I have a choice to give him a choice or not.
I have a choice to let him decide. Or not.
No one ever said life was fair. Or always sweetness and light.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Expelliramus!!
I've spent the past couple hours thinking about divorce, separation, and such. I've read a great article on Walkaway Wives, about women who have become disenfranchised with their marriage and stop trying to make it better once they decide it's not worth making better, at which point the husbands decide everything's ok. It's not, and they are very surprised when she announces she's going for a divorce. I'm working into that cycle very very well. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I haven't been thinking about divorce just because of his friend coming down, I've been thinking about it because I think we have two very different views on serious relationships and I don't know if we can find some middle ground. I have told him in the past I need more from him that what he's giving me, and I don't think he is able to give it.
J
I haven't been thinking about divorce just because of his friend coming down, I've been thinking about it because I think we have two very different views on serious relationships and I don't know if we can find some middle ground. I have told him in the past I need more from him that what he's giving me, and I don't think he is able to give it.
J
My husband has a friend coming to visit the end of September. It is a female friend, they have never met in person. They have known each other for 10 years. We've known each other for 7 and been married 4. This female friend has a crush on him. I am 'not allowed' to meet her the first time he sees her. But I will be 'allowed' after that, depending on what her plans are about how long she's going to be in town, which we think will be a night, maybe two.
I am making myself sick over this. I am unable to do my work this morning because I just keep going through a feedback loop on it. I can not think of anything else. I know it's silly, there is nothing I can do about it right now. I intend to ask for a compromise, that we all three get together for coffee after he takes her out to dinner or for brunch the next day. I have a hunch the answer will still be 'no.' I'm not sure what to do then.
The unknown in this is killing me. On one hand, I don't really think he would have an affair at all and not with her. On the other hand, she has a crush on him. He also recently told me that if I wanted to sleep with another man that was ok if it was "something I felt I needed to do." It is not ok with me, and I told him that I was not going to give him the OK to do the same, if he 'felt he needed to.' If he had an affair, I would leave him, period. Amazingly, I feel better writing about this. Who woulda thunk it!
I would that this friend, Kathy, and I would be friends. Not best friends, but that she and I could meet and get to know each other. I am happy that my husband has such a close friend and can talk to someone. I don't like it that he keeps it so compartmentalized from me. He doesn't seem to understand that when one gets married that we both loose some freedoms. I don't keep my friends from him, but he keeps his friends and I isolated from each other. This is a part of his live that has a 'Wives not allowed' sign on it. That is the problem. Now, what to do about it...
J
I am making myself sick over this. I am unable to do my work this morning because I just keep going through a feedback loop on it. I can not think of anything else. I know it's silly, there is nothing I can do about it right now. I intend to ask for a compromise, that we all three get together for coffee after he takes her out to dinner or for brunch the next day. I have a hunch the answer will still be 'no.' I'm not sure what to do then.
The unknown in this is killing me. On one hand, I don't really think he would have an affair at all and not with her. On the other hand, she has a crush on him. He also recently told me that if I wanted to sleep with another man that was ok if it was "something I felt I needed to do." It is not ok with me, and I told him that I was not going to give him the OK to do the same, if he 'felt he needed to.' If he had an affair, I would leave him, period. Amazingly, I feel better writing about this. Who woulda thunk it!
I would that this friend, Kathy, and I would be friends. Not best friends, but that she and I could meet and get to know each other. I am happy that my husband has such a close friend and can talk to someone. I don't like it that he keeps it so compartmentalized from me. He doesn't seem to understand that when one gets married that we both loose some freedoms. I don't keep my friends from him, but he keeps his friends and I isolated from each other. This is a part of his live that has a 'Wives not allowed' sign on it. That is the problem. Now, what to do about it...
J
Trials & troubles
My husband has a friend coming to visit the end of September. It is a female friend, they have never met in person. They have known each other for 10 years. We've known each other for 7 and been married 4. This female friend has a crush on him. I am 'not allowed' to meet her the first time he sees her. But I will be 'allowed' after that, depending on what her plans are about how long she's going to be in town, which we think will be a night, maybe two.
I am making myself sick over this. I am unable to do my work this morning because I just keep going through a feedback loop on it. I can not think of anything else. I know it's silly, there is nothing I can do about it right now. I intend to ask for a compromise, that we all three get together for coffee after he takes her out to dinner or for brunch the next day. I have a hunch the answer will still be 'no.' I'm not sure what to do then.
The unknown in this is killing me. On one hand, I don't really think he would have an affair at all and not with her. On the other hand, she has a crush on him. He also recently told me that if I wanted to sleep with another man that was ok if it was "something I felt I needed to do." It is not ok with me, and I told him that I was not going to give him the OK to do the same, if he 'felt he needed to.' If he had an affair, I would leave him, period. Amazingly, I feel better writing about this. Who woulda thunk it!
I would that this friend, Kathy, and I would be friends. Not best friends, but that she and I could meet and get to know each other. I am happy that my husband has such a close friend and can talk to someone. I don't like it that he keeps it so compartmentalized from me. He doesn't seem to understand that when one gets married that we both loose some freedoms. I don't keep my friends from him, but he keeps his friends and I isolated from each other. This is a part of his live that has a 'Wives not allowed' sign on it. That is the problem. Now, what to do about it...
J
I am making myself sick over this. I am unable to do my work this morning because I just keep going through a feedback loop on it. I can not think of anything else. I know it's silly, there is nothing I can do about it right now. I intend to ask for a compromise, that we all three get together for coffee after he takes her out to dinner or for brunch the next day. I have a hunch the answer will still be 'no.' I'm not sure what to do then.
The unknown in this is killing me. On one hand, I don't really think he would have an affair at all and not with her. On the other hand, she has a crush on him. He also recently told me that if I wanted to sleep with another man that was ok if it was "something I felt I needed to do." It is not ok with me, and I told him that I was not going to give him the OK to do the same, if he 'felt he needed to.' If he had an affair, I would leave him, period. Amazingly, I feel better writing about this. Who woulda thunk it!
I would that this friend, Kathy, and I would be friends. Not best friends, but that she and I could meet and get to know each other. I am happy that my husband has such a close friend and can talk to someone. I don't like it that he keeps it so compartmentalized from me. He doesn't seem to understand that when one gets married that we both loose some freedoms. I don't keep my friends from him, but he keeps his friends and I isolated from each other. This is a part of his live that has a 'Wives not allowed' sign on it. That is the problem. Now, what to do about it...
J
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
I'm baaaaack
It's been a while since I posted on this thing. Nothing really new is going on. Recently found out that the branch of govt. I work for will be moving from FEMA to Office of Domestic Preparedness, which seems ominous to me but on paper seems like a better fit, so we'll see.
My good buddy Tim will be visiting the beginning of September, and my husband's good buddy, Kathy, will be visiting the end of September. We were planning on visiting the Binghampton, NY, area this weekend but decided to wait until fall.
My garden grows well but, unfortunately, the weeds grow well, too. My garlic is all harvested, I did very well with the 'Siberian' variety and had a head of garlic that was as big around as my ankle. :)
My good buddy Tim will be visiting the beginning of September, and my husband's good buddy, Kathy, will be visiting the end of September. We were planning on visiting the Binghampton, NY, area this weekend but decided to wait until fall.
My garden grows well but, unfortunately, the weeds grow well, too. My garlic is all harvested, I did very well with the 'Siberian' variety and had a head of garlic that was as big around as my ankle. :)
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Love sucks. I mean, really. God how it sucks.
So, my hooband has been talking online with a woman. This is not a new thing, they have been friends for longer than I've known him. She's on the other side of the continent, in another country. I went through the Omigod He's Leaving Me shit and got it over with. My issue now is that he spends more time talking to her than he does to me.
Which isn't exactly true, but it feels that way sometimes and feels good to say it. I've had nightmares about her two mornings in a row now, and this is pathetic. Just so stupid and embarassing to admit and pathetic. But they have made me feel really shitty and I had to get it off my back.
Now, you know what happened next. I did the stupid stupid thing and told him about it and we got into a big fight this morning. *sigh* I knew better, too. I really did. I just couldn't not tell him. I cried hard, too, a big sobby cry (I needed to, I have a crying phobia) and he (being male) thought I was crying about the stupid dreams and not because of feeling somewhat abandoned in our relationship. I mean, it's not like we haven't talked about it before. He thought I was crying over what happened in a brain-induced stupid dream? Come on. I thought he was smarter than that (oh yeah, he's male. Nevermind).
So this has been on my mind all morning, and I've been having Aha! moments and such. I never had affection from my father, so I am doubly needy for it now - and I'm not getting it. I used to get affection from hooband, but not so much now. Not to mention my father has been in the hospital lately, so I am really need now. I can't understand why hooband can't see that, Mr. Amatuer Psychologist. Gimme a break.
I'm getting especially tired of hooband's constant posturing. We're at the gym walking the track, and we pass a guy at a punching bag doing his thing. I don't think he even glanced at us, but when we're past hooband says to me: "Did you see him look at me and (he makes a puffed-up toughguy man face) go back to it harder?" No, dumbass, I didn't because I'm here doing my own thing and so is he. And I told him I didn't care what the other guy did, it doesn't affect me. He is one of the most insecure men I've ever met, and that is saying a LOT.
Once before, I needed him to spot for me doing some bench presses. And here I am on this damned bench struggling with a weight, and I look up at my dutiful spotter, who is singing and dancing a little to the music playing and looking to see if any of the big, macho guys there are looking at him spotting for his weightlifter wife. I had to call his name *3 damn times* before he looked down to see if I needed him. I was so angry. I have never asked him to spot for me again, and I never will.
I feel, and I have always felt, he is to interested in his own self interests to be with me. I don't know what this means for our future. I'm kind of sick about it.
Which isn't exactly true, but it feels that way sometimes and feels good to say it. I've had nightmares about her two mornings in a row now, and this is pathetic. Just so stupid and embarassing to admit and pathetic. But they have made me feel really shitty and I had to get it off my back.
Now, you know what happened next. I did the stupid stupid thing and told him about it and we got into a big fight this morning. *sigh* I knew better, too. I really did. I just couldn't not tell him. I cried hard, too, a big sobby cry (I needed to, I have a crying phobia) and he (being male) thought I was crying about the stupid dreams and not because of feeling somewhat abandoned in our relationship. I mean, it's not like we haven't talked about it before. He thought I was crying over what happened in a brain-induced stupid dream? Come on. I thought he was smarter than that (oh yeah, he's male. Nevermind).
So this has been on my mind all morning, and I've been having Aha! moments and such. I never had affection from my father, so I am doubly needy for it now - and I'm not getting it. I used to get affection from hooband, but not so much now. Not to mention my father has been in the hospital lately, so I am really need now. I can't understand why hooband can't see that, Mr. Amatuer Psychologist. Gimme a break.
I'm getting especially tired of hooband's constant posturing. We're at the gym walking the track, and we pass a guy at a punching bag doing his thing. I don't think he even glanced at us, but when we're past hooband says to me: "Did you see him look at me and (he makes a puffed-up toughguy man face) go back to it harder?" No, dumbass, I didn't because I'm here doing my own thing and so is he. And I told him I didn't care what the other guy did, it doesn't affect me. He is one of the most insecure men I've ever met, and that is saying a LOT.
Once before, I needed him to spot for me doing some bench presses. And here I am on this damned bench struggling with a weight, and I look up at my dutiful spotter, who is singing and dancing a little to the music playing and looking to see if any of the big, macho guys there are looking at him spotting for his weightlifter wife. I had to call his name *3 damn times* before he looked down to see if I needed him. I was so angry. I have never asked him to spot for me again, and I never will.
I feel, and I have always felt, he is to interested in his own self interests to be with me. I don't know what this means for our future. I'm kind of sick about it.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
That's what I want...It's what I want...
So our bank account is overdrawn. Again. AGAIN. I can't figure out how we keep doing this. I mean, I swear to god it's like we hemorrhage the stuff. How do we do this EVERY DAMN TIME? I'm trying SO HARD to make all this work, pay off the things we need to pay off, save for the things we need and want to save for and I just can't seem to get it all right. I feel like shit, every time, and I don't know how to break the cycle.
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